Shrine - Chapter 87

Chapter 87

Ruan Ruan had never thought about spending a lifetime with Shi Ran.

As Shi Ran had said, she didn't see it as a long-term, stable commitment. She viewed her relationship with Shi Ran as something temporary, a mindset akin to quitting a job if she didn't perform well.

The first thing she had said when she agreed was, "I'll do a very good job." She would take notes, ask Shi Ran what she wanted in a girlfriend to make her happy, and do her utmost to hide the parts of herself Shi Ran might not like.

Shi Ran had actually tried to coax Ruan Ruan three times. The first time, she said, "Comfort me. My girlfriend is crying, and I found out from the trending topics." The second time, she said, "Hold on to happiness a little longer." The third time, she said, "On nights you can't get through, use them to think of me."

But Shi Ran wouldn't coax her a fourth time. She wasn't that patient of a person, or rather, she didn't like stepping into the same river repeatedly, making futile efforts every time.

Shi Ran's words reminded Ruan Ruan that she wasn't really comparing the weight of her adoptive parents and her lover in her heart. Instead, she was saying that, in essence, they were all just relationships between people in society. You can leave people who make you uncomfortable, you can leave relationships that don't nourish you, you can end things you feel you can't handle. So why couldn't the past be the same? Why couldn't her adoptive parents be the same?

She had never thought about it before, but now she could.

Shi Ran had left before, too. She had left a true blood relationship, but because it was unhealthy, she had let it go.

Ruan Ruan walked to the guest bedroom. The door was closed. Shi Ran hadn't even come out to shower. Her pajamas weren't in the guest room either. Had she slept in her clothes? Would she catch a cold when she got up? Ruan Ruan called her name softly twice, but there was no response. It was already past 3 a.m. She was probably exhausted and had fallen asleep.

But Ruan Ruan couldn't sleep. She sat in the living room for a while, then got up and went outside.

She once again found a shared bike and rode to watch the supermarket staff change shifts from night to morning. The streets were clean in a very unclean way. June in Shucheng was humid, as if it could nourish the demons and monsters of high noon. She pedaled with effort. The chain on this bike wasn't great, and she was tired before she even reached the supermarket. She rode for a bit, then rested for a bit. There was a stall selling savory crepes nearby, and she bought one. The auntie, who had just set up her stall and was still on her way, was a bit flustered and said apologetically, "Little beauty, just a moment."

"It's okay, Auntie, take your time," Ruan Ruan said, wearing a mask.

She watched as the auntie deftly organized her things, laying out the condiments one by one, then started to spread the batter. The thin batter gradually took shape under the iron spatula. The stall warmed up, and the chilly street warmed up with it.

"Little beauty, did you just get off work?" the auntie asked.

"Yeah." Just got off work. She had been notified today that her job was over.

"Oh my, that's tough."

After paying, Ruan Ruan carried the crepe to the corner of the supermarket and sat down by a flower bed. She pulled down a small part of her mask, watching the supermarket employees do their morning exercises while taking small bites of the hot crepe.

It had been a long time since she had come out to buy something for herself, and it had been a while since she had forgotten to place herself and her life on the streets and alleys.

Shi Ran had asked her three questions, and only now did she have the energy to think about them.

"You don't know what kind of person you are."

She didn't know. She didn't know what she should be like, what was the right thing to do.

"You don't know what kind of person I am."

She had never seriously tried to understand the inner world of the person she loved.

"You don't know what kind of person the person I like is."

She knew what kind of behavior Shi Ran liked, but she didn't know what kind of soul Shi Ran truly admired in her.

The only request Shi Ran had ever made of her was to "be yourself." She had mentioned it twice, but Ruan Ruan had failed both times. Because her sense of self was too weak, her judgment of her own self-worth was too dependent on external feedback. She had to be liked by her parents to be a good child, liked by the crew to be a good colleague, liked by the audience to be a successful actress, and liked by Shi Ran to be an excellent girlfriend.

What about herself? How was she supposed to build her own unique soul? If she didn't have a unique soul, then any affection she received wasn't real affection.

She took out her phone, scrolling through her chat history with Shi Ran, and found that sentence again—

"When we meet again, will Little Cat Officer salute?"

Shi Ran must have been full of anticipation, hoping Ruan Ruan would say something from the heart, so they could either communicate or work through it. At least her love would have a place to land. But Ruan Ruan had still chosen to hide her true feelings. She kept telling Shi Ran, "It's good that it was changed," "I don't think Shrine was that suitable for me anyway," "I still need more experience," "I don't blame you." But it was precisely this avoidance that had disappointed Shi Ran so much.

Little Cat Officer didn't give a spirited salute; instead, she had turned into a mole hiding in its hole.

She hadn't even paid attention to when Shi Ran had arrived, whether she had eaten, or what was happening with her work over there.

Ruan Ruan put her phone away, preparing to go back and find Shi Ran. She imagined a few ways to do it. Should she just open the door and lie down next to her, calling her name softly? Or should she knock, and if she was still asleep, send her a WeChat message?

But Ruan Ruan never got the chance to try, because Shi Ran was gone.

The guest bedroom door was open, the bed was a little messy. It looked like she hadn't pulled back the covers, just rested on the edge of the bed for a while. It was now just before 5 a.m.

Ruan Ruan's heart felt as if it had been filled with a large barrel of beer—there was the suffocating feeling of nearly drowning, the drunkenness gradually spreading to her head, and the long-lasting bubbles floating on the surface, popping one by one after a long time.

She could feel the tingling sensation as the bubbles burst, like a certain part of her was regaining feeling.

Ruan Ruan took out her phone and called Shi Ran. It rang a few times before she answered.

"Hello?" It sounded like she was in a car.

"You left?" Ruan Ruan pressed down on the doorknob, her voice even lower than the sound of the handle.

"Yeah."

Shi Ran paused, then added, "I'm flying to Beicheng today. I told you."

Her words sounded like an explanation, and Ruan Ruan felt, strangely, that Shi Ran really cared about her.

So she let go, allowing the doorknob to return to its position, and said softly, "I didn't know you were leaving so early. I, I bought you breakfast."

Shi Ran's end went quiet. She didn't say anything.

Neither of them knew what to say. Ruan Ruan held the phone in a daze. A few minutes later, she heard Shi Ran's breath. She said, "I'm here."

So Ruan Ruan said to have a safe trip, then hung up.

She sat in the small indentation where Shi Ran had lain, and the beer bubbles in her heart suddenly grew larger.

She wanted to see Shi Ran. Right now.

She held her breath and, for the first time, without caring if it was during rest hours, pursed her lips and called An Lu.

The WeChat voice call went unanswered. She went to her contacts and dialed her mobile number.

The second call also went unanswered. Normally, Ruan Ruan would worry it was too early and leave a message for her to see when she woke up, but now she held her breath and dialed a third time.

Her hand trembled slightly, unused to bothering people like this.

"Ruan Ruan?" An Lu answered, her voice thick with sleep. "What's wrong?"

"An Lu, I want to go to Beicheng, as soon as possible," Ruan Ruan said.

It felt like skipping class. This was her, at twenty-seven, trying to skip class for the first time. The feeling was complex—her heart felt full and sour, yet it was also comfortable, like the comfort she craved when she wanted Shi Ran to go deeper.

She breathed lightly, waiting for An Lu's reply.

"As soon as possible," An Lu quickly checked her schedule, "would be the day after tomorrow in the afternoon. Tomorrow's schedule can't be moved. You have to go to the meeting with the production team."

Otherwise, it could easily be mistaken as her running away, which would be bad for her.

"I know. In that case, once I confirm, please book a ticket for me for the day after tomorrow."

"How many days?"

"I'll see when I get there."

Ruan Ruan swallowed and called Xiao Lin. She hadn't come with them this time, so she should be free to answer her call.

Assistants were always on standby 24/7, so Xiao Lin answered much more quickly.

"Until what date is Shi Ran working in Beicheng?" Ruan Ruan got straight to the point.

"Hmm... the 26th, maybe the 27th. Let me check. I'll send it to you in a bit."

"Okay, thanks," Ruan Ruan said.

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