BSS - Chapter 68

Chapter 68

It had started raining outside at some point.

When Xu Wei got up to check the doors and windows, Deng Chuan was still asleep.

The kid was sleeping quietly, one hand resting on the quilt, the other on her forehead. Her fingertips drooped between her serene brows, and the dim, hazy light filtering through the curtains illuminated her face. Xu Wei lay back down, watched her for a while, then snuggled into her arms and fell asleep again.

Her lover's young arms were even more comforting to sleep in than she had imagined.

When she woke again, the rain outside hadn't stopped. The scattered raindrops tapped against the windowpane like the notes of a zither. This time, Deng Chuan had woken up a little earlier than Xu Wei, and she held her, listening quietly.

Neither of them spoke. The pitter-patter of the rain had a subtle rhythm that was both tingly and pleasant to the ear. Xu Wei kept her eyes lowered, feeling the undeniable warmth of Deng Chuan's hand resting on her waist.

The rain fell for the entire day, from a light drizzle in the morning to a heavier downpour by evening. The flowers and trees in the residential complex were thoroughly washed, glistening with a bright green, watery sheen.

Neither of them got out of bed, and Zhou Liu joined them, lounging on the mattress. The curtains shrouded the room in dimness. The two women and one cat slept and woke, woke and slept, almost losing all track of time.

But hunger was a sensation time couldn't conquer. Having slept until evening, the two finally got up. Xu Wei was craving Deng Chuan's egg noodles, so she pushed the eager kid into the kitchen, waiting for her to show off her skills.

The sky had turned completely dark. Bright white flashes of lightning occasionally streaked across it, but the thunder was muffled and faint, as if coming from far away.

Xu Wei sat down in the living room, watching the evening news with Zhou Liu in her arms. She didn't have a habit of watching the news; it was just a way to pass the time. Outside, the sound of the rain was a low, unceasing patter. A few wisps of cool, moist air drifted in from the balcony, dampening Zhou Liu's fur ever so slightly.

Zhou Liu lay obediently in Xu Wei's arms. His body temperature was higher than a human's, a warm little ball of fur. After holding him for a while, Xu Wei felt hot and set him aside, but he soon snuggled back up to her, much clingier than when he was a kitten.

Deng Chuan made simple egg noodles. Xu Wei didn't like green onions, so the plain noodles only had a fried egg and some greens. The broth wasn't cloudy, as the noodles had been cooked separately before being added. It looked very appetizing.

It tasted good, too. Xu Wei ate a little more than she usually did. She didn't particularly like eggs either, so after a few bites, she placed her fried egg into Deng Chuan's bowl.

Deng Chuan accepted it all without complaint, along with the few noodles she had left, and finished everything.

Xu Wei washed the bowls. Deng Chuan offered to help, but Xu Wei stopped her and urged her to go take a shower.

After lying in bed all day, they lay down again after their showers and watched a movie on Deng Chuan's tablet.

They chose a lesbian film that Deng Chuan hadn't finished recently. They watched it intently and discussed the plot for a while afterward.

The sound of the rain outside was still dense. The fine strands beat against the window, sliding down in watery streaks.

After the movie, they didn't go to sleep right away, instead scrolling through their phones for a bit. Deng Chuan reached over, and Xu Wei obediently let her hold her. The way they moved around each other was like that of lovers who had lived together for many years.

The kid's breath puffed against her ear, mingling with the sound of the rain outside, making Xu Wei feel a little dazed.

In rainy weather, Xu Wei couldn't help but think of that small, distant county town. Her hometown had left a mark on her that was too deep, too old. The damp air, the dense sound of rain, the overwhelming green canopy, the honking and laughter in the alleys, the neighbors who were warm yet worldly. All the people and events eventually faded into the mundane. Xu Wei wasn't sure if what she remembered in the sound of the rain was the past, or the self that was trapped in it.

Fortunately, the person holding her from behind was so real, her young heartbeat pressed tightly against her. Xu Wei turned to seek Deng Chuan's warmth, and they exchanged a damp, warm kiss in the sound of the rain.

Mere inches away, Deng Chuan's gaze was soft and docile. Such a look made Xu Wei's heart leap uncontrollably. She looked quietly into Deng Chuan's eyes, suddenly made a decision, and said, "You're the second person I've been in a relationship with."

The air fell silent for a moment at her words. Deng Chuan looked at her, blinked, then leaned in to kiss the corner of her mouth again. "Mm."

She wasn't sad at all, much less angry. This made Xu Wei relax immensely. She suddenly felt that Deng Chuan was like a little squirrel in autumn, carrying a pinecone back to its burrow. And her heart had landed safely, carefully collected and stored away by her.

Xu Wei decided to be completely honest with her. "She was my high school classmate, my undergraduate classmate, and my graduate school classmate. When I graduated from my master's program, she got married."

Xu Wei said, "I don't blame her. People always have their own choices to make."

Deng Chuan frowned. She wished she could travel back in time and make it so she was the first person Xu Wei ever met. At this thought, she couldn't help but pout. Who was to blame for them meeting so much later?

But Xu Wei continued, "But in my third year of grad school, not only did I lose her, I also lost the ability to go home."

Her expression was clearly one of deep sadness, yet she stroked Deng Chuan's face and continued to peel back the layers of the past she had hidden from her. "Have you ever wondered why I hate my hometown so much?"

Deng Chuan shook her head reflexively. Seeing the pain that surfaced in Xu Wei's eyes from the memories, she immediately refused. "Don't say it- I'm not curious. It's okay. We won't go back. I'll go wherever you go from now on."

She added hastily, trying to stop Xu Wei's confession, "We've talked about this. We asked Zhou Liu's opinion, and we're going to go everywhere we can. I won't be afraid, and you shouldn't be afraid either."

"I'm not curious about the past at all. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't. I don't care, not one bit!"

Xu Wei's heart grew calmer and calmer. She stroked the kid's anxious face and soothed, "Okay- I know. I've never been afraid of what other people say. If I were, I wouldn't be here with you."

"Don't worry. I'm telling you this not because I can't let go, but because I want to."

"-I want to build a good life with you."

As she spoke, she gave Deng Chuan's ear a reassuring squeeze and continued:

"During the summer of my third year of grad school, her family contacted mine, and that's how my family found out about my situation."

"No one understood me. In their eyes, I was the pride of our family, the smartest and most promising person, and I shouldn't have made such a choice. I shouldn't have been like this. My father is a very traditional man with little education, and his methods were quite crude. From the day they learned I was a lesbian, he grounded me, locking me up at home."

Deng Chuan fell silent. She understood Xu Wei's choice. She held her quietly, listening as Xu Wei dissected her past, dissecting the years that separated them. As Deng Chuan listened, she thought that from this moment on, there would be no more gap between them.

All that bullshit about age, status, experience, and gaps- in the face of this honest Xu Wei, none of those obstacles existed for them anymore.

"My family tried many methods- threats, lectures, they even hired a spirit medium to perform an exorcism..." Xu Wei gave a faint smile. "They stopped just short of sending me to a mental hospital."

"But I think if they could have, they definitely would have sent me." She said it frankly. "But they couldn't afford the shame of sending their most successful daughter to a mental hospital."

"My dad, on someone's advice, came to believe that Chinese medicine could cure my homosexuality. He forced me to drink a lot of it... and maybe the medicine really did have an effect." Xu Wei said quietly, "I can no longer have children."

"The hospital report made them let me go. But they forbade me from coming home. So I went back to school, and I didn't even get to see my mom one last time before she passed away."

"It's funny, but my relationship with my family only eased up a little after my mother died."

"Deng Chuan." Xu Wei paused here. There were no tears in her own eyes, but Deng Chuan's tears were reflected in them. "Can you understand? I'm an incomplete woman. I've had a very failed relationship, I can't go back to my family, and I don't have a home of my own."

She said, "I'm not a good choice, not your perfect harbor. That's why I wasn't intentionally rejecting you at the beginning."

Deng Chuan was silent, hugging her tighter. "Don't say any more... It's all in the past. Let me be with you from now on, okay?"

Xu Wei reached out to wipe her tears. "Of course. Who else would you be with if not me?"

She pinched the corner of the kid's drooping mouth. "You're mine."

Deng Chuan ignored her teasing, just stared stubbornly into her eyes, and said with the utmost seriousness, "I love you."

Xu Wei's story was finished. She had no more secrets from Deng Chuan. The feeling of complete honesty and total vulnerability was a good one. Looking at the kid before her who was telling her she loved her, she felt a sense of peace she had never known before.

"I love you, too," she said gently.

The rain never stopped. They talked for a while longer, and Xu Wei, relieved from the burden of her secrets and the lightness of having given her all, unknowingly fell asleep. Deng Chuan held her, watching her sleep in her arms, and cried silent tears.

She tried to control her breathing, not wanting her tears and sobs to wake her. But she couldn't imagine how the proud Xu Wei had endured such blows and abuse from her lover and family and still maintained that pride- Deng Chuan remembered the Xu Wei she had met on the first day of her senior year of high school: an elegant, aloof, steady, and reliable teacher. Who could have imagined that such a person had gone through all that?

The memory almost connected with the countless times she had used that form of address in the past. Deng Chuan cried out in her heart as if groaning. Teacher Xu. She thought, as if venting her anger, You're not my teacher anymore, and I'm not your student. I'm the one holding you, I'm your lover, I'm your visible future. There's no distance between us anymore, no lectern separating us, none of the distance created by so many words and crossed paths.

I am the one to whom you have opened your entire past and future.

I love you. Deng Chuan declared it in her heart, proud and open. This declaration was no different from the countless expressions of love she had spoken aloud in the past, because she had never changed from the very beginning.

Her tears dampened a small patch of Xu Wei's collar. By the faint light coming in from the window, Deng Chuan reached out and caressed the soft fabric, as if touching the first petal of spring.

She took a deep breath, then exhaled. Amidst countless tears and a surging tide of love, she completed the final metamorphosis of her eighteenth year.

Get instant access to all the chapters now.

Previous Table of Contents Next