ISBH - Chapter 29
Chapter 29: Stirrings of the Heart
"But I'm already grown up," Mo Sheng said with smiling crescent eyes, her gaze bright. "When I grow up and can earn money, then it'll be my turn to cherish Sister..."
"Maybe I can even find a way to turn Sister back into a person..."
She had just woken, so the little girl's voice still held a soft sleepy sweetness, pitched very low. The earnest certainty on her face made Han Tian's heart ache all the more.
"Sister doesn't need Mo Sheng to do anything for her."
"I only want Mo Sheng to grow up happy and carefree."
In the morning light, the little girl tilted her head and looked over with bright eyes, just like an angel. Thinking of the Mo Sang Li Ai had described, a woman verging on hysteria, Han Tian gritted her teeth and told herself she had to keep a boundary with Mo Sheng. She could not let anything beyond that boundary develop. She could not let Mo Sheng become that desperate and helpless again...
Fate had played a cruel joke on her. The Mo Sheng of ten years later had never mistaken her for someone else. Han Tian had never imagined she truly was that wretched ex-girlfriend who deserved a thousand cuts.
What right did she have to be angry? She was the one who had abandoned her.
Now Han Tian only wanted to atone. She would not let everything follow the known track again. She would leave with a clear conscience when Mo Sheng turned eighteen.
Thinking of this, Han Tian looked away. She patted Mo Sheng's head with a stiff hand, then climbed out of bed and went aside to brew a cup of brown sugar ginger tea for Mo Sheng...
Mo Sheng blinked and gazed thoughtfully at Han Tian's retreating back, quietly rubbing her thumb against her forefinger.
Her fingertips still seemed to hold the warmth of Sister's tears.
The way Sister looked at her seemed changed. There was guilt in it, and a hint of wariness as well. Mo Sheng could not tell what lay inside Sister's gaze.
Was it because she had grown up?
Mo Sheng faintly felt it was not that simple.
Before long Han Tian came back with the ginger tea.
"It's hot now. Drink it in ten minutes," Han Tian said as she set the ginger tea on Mo Sheng's nightstand. She did not dare look at Mo Sheng and stared at the tea on the cabinet as she spoke with a dry voice. "Mo Sheng, I'm a little displeased with what you did this time..."
"Displeased?"
Mo Sheng curved her lips.
It was the first time she had heard such a judgment from Han Tian.
Most of the time Han Tian's verdicts were always 'Mo Sheng is so good, Mo Sheng is so amazing...' As if in Han Tian's heart she would always be perfect in every way.
Hearing Han Tian say this, Mo Sheng felt none of the disappointment or anger Han Tian must have expected. She even felt a little curious...
"I understand, Sister. I'm sorry..." Mo Sheng put on the reaction her role demanded. She lowered her head and tugged at the quilt, long lashes trembling to hide the look in her eyes. The girl's cheeks were already pale from blood loss, and taken together she looked innocent and small, pitiful and helpless.
Looking at Mo Sheng like that, Han Tian felt her conscience tremble hard.
But she had thought it through. The reason Mo Sheng would come to love her was very likely because she had offered help when Mo Sheng was at her most desperate, which had made Mo Sheng depend on her, and that was why Mo Sheng could never forget her.
Han Tian decided to change the way she got along with Mo Sheng.
She had been far too gentle with Mo Sheng before. Because Mo Sheng was so obedient, she had indulged her in everything. But that was not the family bond Han Tian had set for herself.
As family, she could give Mo Sheng care and warmth, but she should also give criticism and guidance.
"Where did you go wrong?" Hearing how readily Mo Sheng admitted fault, Han Tian paused, then asked at once.
Mo Sheng choked.
She truly had no idea where she had gone wrong. She had thought Han Tian would be too busy aching for her at the sight of her to press further.
Looking at Mo Sheng, Han Tian belatedly realized Mo Sheng was apologizing out of habit, and a chill of fear rose in her heart. Just as she thought! She had nearly raised Mo Sheng to be meek and submissive after all. Luckily she had caught herself in time.
"Mo Sheng, what displeases me is how you mistreat yourself." Han Tian sighed. "It's so hot outside. You shouldn't have forced yourself to come back. There's an infirmary at school. You could have been better cared for there..."
"I understand, Sister." Mo Sheng lowered her head even further. She keenly sensed something slipping beyond her control, turned and linked her arm through Han Tian's, and felt Han Tian's body stiffen visibly.
A shadow flickered swiftly through Mo Sheng's eyes.
"I was only afraid," Mo Sheng's voice trembled audibly. "When I got sick, the first person I thought of was Sister..."
The Han Tian of before would surely have soothed Mo Sheng with aching tenderness by now.
Yet now Han Tian only frowned.
"You must never do this again."
"Rest a little longer, then get up and do your homework." Han Tian gave a dry cough, then sat down at the desk in something close to flight.
She did not dare look at Mo Sheng, because she knew all too well she had no resistance to that face which grew more like its future self every day.
Han Tian meant to go on writing her teaching materials.
Yet pen in hand, she sat for a long time without knowing what to write.
Sitting at the head of the bed, Mo Sheng gave Han Tian's back a meaningful look, then lowered her eyes.
What on earth had happened? Yesterday everything had still been fine...
Mo Sheng pressed her lips tight.
Over the next few days, Mo Sheng kept deliberately testing Han Tian, and found Han Tian's attitude toward her had clearly changed.
It was not a deliberate coldness. It was more as if, when facing her, Sister now held a ruler in her heart. Before, the two of them had gotten along like equals. But in this stretch Mo Sheng could plainly see Han Tian deliberately placing them as elder and junior...
She had clearly felt that as long as Sister did not leave her, nothing else mattered...
Yet now Mo Sheng always felt awkward inside. She disliked this feeling of losing control, especially when it came to Sister...
Was it because she had started her period?
Did Sister think she was grown now, and treat her this way for that reason?
If that were truly the reason, Mo Sheng would rather never grow up.
Carrying an inexplicable displeasure, Mo Sheng returned to school five days later.
When Mo Sheng ran back again at noon under the blazing sun, Han Tian did not show the aching tenderness she once would have. She only looked at Mo Sheng seriously. "Mo Sheng, you're grown up now. You can't be willful like a little child anymore..."
In more than two years together, this was the first time Han Tian had spoken so sternly to Mo Sheng.
Was it truly because she was grown?
After all, Mo Sheng was still a girl in her early teens. She held Sister dearer than anything. For all the scheming beyond her years, seeing the Sister who always cherished her put on such a polite and distant face still hurt her.
Unwilling to give up, Mo Sheng tested her in secret several times, hoping Han Tian would return to her old self. But after repeated closeness and coaxing met with soft rebuffs, Mo Sheng grew a little angry too, and knew Sister must have fully made up her mind this time.
Mo Sheng did not dare play pitiful anymore. After all, Sister seemed to have stripped away that tender filter toward her. If she pushed too hard, Mo Sheng feared Sister would see through her scheming.
Fine then. Everything would go as Sister wished!
In the end Mo Sheng could only give up testing her, helpless and a little furious. When she grew a little older, she would surely find the right way to be with Sister.
...
Han Tian seemed cold at heart, yet inside she suffered keenly.
Heaven knew how much willpower it took her to refuse Mo Sheng's coaxing and closeness time after time...
Han Tian felt she was simply a sinner!
She knew Mo Sheng was inwardly a most sensitive child. As if sensing her distance, Mo Sheng no longer clung to her every day to walk to school together, and no longer coaxed her to sleep beside her...
Han Tian felt boundless guilt, yet Mo Sheng's response also reassured her deeply. At this rate, she and Mo Sheng would surely never develop anything beyond family affection.
In such an atmosphere came Mo Sheng's sixteenth birthday.
Mo Sheng's birthday wish had not changed in years. She had always wished to stay with Sister forever. But this time Han Tian used the excuse that Mo Sheng needed more friends and told her to celebrate with them.
It happened to be the National Day holiday. The classmates adored the pretty girl from the elite class, and many came.
Inside the Pizza Hut, Mo Sheng looked at the smiling faces wishing her well, yet felt flat and joyless inside.
Compared with celebrating with classmates, Mo Sheng would far rather spend her birthday with Sister.
But Sister had raised a door in her heart, and Mo Sheng found she could not walk through it.
The more Mo Sheng thought, the sadder she felt, and she did not know why she was sad. Sister was clearly still at home. She could see her every day. Yet she felt they were already far apart...
Han Tian did not have an easy day either.
This was the first time Han Tian had not spent Mo Sheng's birthday with her.
She watched with her own eyes as the tiny child she had raised with her own hands bloomed like a bud into a beautiful flower. Yet so that flower could bloom long and unfading, Han Tian had to stop herself from doting on Mo Sheng any more.
Mo Sheng did not come home until nearly midnight.
In truth she had returned long before.
But the closer she got to the door, the stronger the grievance grew, so Mo Sheng hugged her knees and sat outside the house for a long time.
That day the sky was cloudless. A huge moon hung overhead, with many stars scattered beside it. Most of the houses around had been torn down, leaving the land strikingly empty.
Mo Sheng gazed at the moonlight and thought of the first time she met Sister many years before.
Back then Sister had suddenly started following behind her. She had taken her for a haunting ghost from the stories, one who would bring endless calamity. She had never imagined Sister would bring her so much unexpected luck.
All her happiness had been given by Sister.
So what if Sister was distant now. As long as her own heart toward Sister never changed, that was enough.
Five years from now, ten years, twenty years, she would still be with Sister. When she had money, she might even find someone who could turn Sister back into a person...
There was still so much time. She would surely melt away the awkwardness in Sister's heart little by little.
In that instant, the confusion and anxiety of recent days miraculously ebbed away.
Mo Sheng let out a long breath and went home.
When Mo Sheng came in, Han Tian did not seem to notice. She was watching the television with rapt attention.
"You're back."
It was the first time Mo Sheng had come home so late.
Han Tian instinctively wanted to ask, but forced the caring words back down her throat. She could only cough dryly twice and pretend to watch the television as if nothing were wrong.
If she still felt as she had a while ago, such disregard from Han Tian would have broken her heart. But now Mo Sheng had come to terms with it, and despite Han Tian's cold face she carefully edged up beside her.
Han Tian's body stiffened visibly.
Mo Sheng blinked and glanced at the television Han Tian was watching, then let her gaze brush over Han Tian's clenched hands. A faint joy rose in her heart.
She clearly cared about her. Why did Sister have to pretend otherwise?
Who would stare at a men's clinic commercial for half the day without changing the channel?
...
Yet Mo Sheng did not expose Han Tian's disguise.
She kept Han Tian company before the television for a while, silently comparing their heights, and her thoughts quickened back to life...
Wait a little longer!
When silly Sister was no longer so awkward, when she herself was a little older and could get the better of Sister, then she would expose that awkwardness in one stroke.
Then the two of them would return to how they used to be.
...
But Mo Sheng's hopes could not withstand how things changed. Mo Sheng had never thought a day would come when she avoided Han Tian.
Mo Sheng knew what Han Tian liked her to become. She was a master of disguise. When she chose to be, she blended into the group in no time, becoming vice monitor of her class and a member of the school student council.
Every day the student council worked with the Academic Affairs Office to check discipline.
Mo Sheng never expected to find Liang Juan and Wang Zhi kissing in the girls' restroom during class.
This had clearly gone beyond friendship...
In that instant Mo Sheng froze where she stood, unsure how to react.
For some reason, Wang Zhi instinctively pushed Liang Juan away.
Liang Juan blinked. Looking at Mo Sheng, who was now as pretty as a porcelain doll, a flicker of hatred crossed her eyes. "What, has our top scholar Mo never seen people getting intimate?"
"Or," a malicious smile curled at Liang Juan's lips. "Does our top scholar Mo want a try too..."
Mo Sheng finally came to herself. She stepped back twice and gave Wang Zhi a dark look.
"You let an outsider in without permission and skipped class. I'll report this to the discipline director. Go to the Academic Affairs Office yourself in a bit."
After speaking, Mo Sheng closed the door and left the restroom.
She had never imagined Liang Juan and Wang Zhi would develop this kind of bond.
High school was when youth first budded. With a hazy longing, many found boyfriends or girlfriends. People were more tolerant of young love now, and among the students who checked classes there was an unwritten rule. They would not report the young couples they caught to the Academic Affairs Office.
Afraid Sister would leave her if she came to like someone, Mo Sheng had always rejected the very idea of romance.
During this time, Mo Sheng remained as popular with boys as ever. Though she no longer handed love letters to the homeroom teacher, she still turned down everyone who showed interest in her.
So two girls could be like that too?
...
Listening to the school broadcast announce Wang Zhi's violation, Mo Sheng lost focus in class for the first time. She hardly knew how she got through the day.
Her distraction followed her home.
Mo Sheng ate hastily and started her homework.
Yet somehow she could not settle her mind to the work.
Han Tian noticed Mo Sheng's distraction. After holding back for a long time, she finally sat down before Mo Sheng. "Is there something in your studies you don't understand? You can ask me..."
Han Tian now knew she would return to the future when Mo Sheng turned eighteen. Knowing this, Han Tian had begun to cultivate hygienic habits without thinking.
Though dust could not settle on Han Tian, and she could not take off her clothes, she still washed up every day without fail.
She had just washed her hair. The droplets dried quickly on her, and her hair hung a little loose. Compared with her usual solemn and ethereal air, she looked lazier now, touched with the warmth of ordinary life.
How silly she had been before, to mistake Sister for a ghost. She should have thought her a fairy...
Mo Sheng thought aimlessly.
"It's nothing."
Looking at Han Tian, Mo Sheng felt her heartbeat quicken for no reason. She drank several cups of cold water in a row before she calmed down, then bent to her homework.
Since Mo Sheng would not say, Han Tian asked no more. She set a cup of milk beside Mo Sheng, then silently returned to the sofa to read her papers.
Mo Sheng stole a glance at Han Tian. She had always known Han Tian was beautiful.
Under the soft lamplight Han Tian looked as gentle as ever. Time had left no mark on her. She looked even more beautiful than before...
Her heart began to race again!
Mo Sheng did not know what was wrong with her. All day something had felt off.
Mo Sheng lowered her head and only with effort gathered her thoughts to finish her homework.
By then it was much later than when Mo Sheng usually finished.
Mo Sheng and Han Tian had been keeping different hours lately. Han Tian wrote teaching materials at night and caught up on sleep by day.
Mo Sheng could not sleep. Lying in bed, she watched Han Tian reading papers under a small lamp not far away, and never knew when she drifted off...
Mo Sheng only felt she was dreaming.
The dream was hazy with intimacy. She held someone close and kissed with a racing, joyful heart...
That person's face was veiled in clear mist. At first Mo Sheng could not see those features at all...
She did not know how long passed before the mist thinned. Mo Sheng saw the person before her clearly. It was a serene and lovely face she knew better than any other.
...
Mo Sheng jolted awake from the dream, all sleep gone.
The next day, Han Tian plainly noticed something odd in Mo Sheng's manner toward her.
Mo Sheng kept avoiding her gaze, as if weighed down by worries.
Han Tian knew Mo Sheng was hiding something inside. She only did not know if it had to do with her.
Thinking this, Han Tian felt a sourness in her heart.
She still missed the days when she was Mo Sheng's mom fan. Back then she could pour out love and care without restraint, instead of having to hide even concern as she did now...
Unlike Han Tian's bitterness, Mo Sheng's heart was a tangled mess.
Mo Sheng had always thought herself shameless, yet after that dream she felt a rare guilt and unease, and hardly dared look Han Tian in the eye.
Sister was her savior and her kin. Sister had saved her. How could she harbor such filthy thoughts!
After the first dream Mo Sheng could still fool herself that Wang Zhi and Liang Juan had provoked her. But not long after, Mo Sheng had a similar dream again...
Mo Sheng admitted she wanted to stay with Sister forever, but that did not mean she wanted to do to Sister what she had done in the dream...
But why did she feel guilty?
...
Mo Sheng could no longer face Han Tian calmly.
Such an atmosphere lasted half a month.
Mo Sheng faced her first diagnostic test since starting high school.
This time Mo Sheng placed fifth in the whole school. That was already an excellent rank. If she held steady, she would surely enter one of the top universities.
Han Tian was most pleased with such results.
Mo Sheng dreamed of entering finance to earn money. With grades like these, that dream would soon come true.
That meant Mo Sheng was moving further from the Mo Sang tormented by longing.
Yet Mo Sheng had taken first so often that dropping to fifth felt like a great fall. Distracted as she had been, once the scores came out she forced herself to pour her mind into study.
By finals Mo Sheng had climbed into the top three of the school.
Winter break was short. To avoid Han Tian, Mo Sheng even signed up for a tutoring class.
Next to the tutoring center was a dance studio. Watching the dancers drenched in sweat inside, Mo Sheng signed up for a class there too, as if driven by some impulse...
Over those months Mo Sheng wore herself out every day, and at last she stopped having that dream.
By New Year, Mo Sheng felt she had mastered the flutter in her heart, and could finally look Han Tian in the eye.
"Sister, Happy New Year's Eve!" Mo Sheng looked at Han Tian with bright eyes and a brilliant, polite smile, while her fingers clenched tight together.
It had clearly been only a few months, yet Mo Sheng felt each day had dragged like a year.
She truly felt wronged. She wanted to hold Sister and act spoiled. She wanted to cry...
But Mo Sheng forced the sourness down.
What happened in dreams was wrong. She could not let Sister know the thoughts inside her...
Mo Sheng could accept distance in Han Tian's actions, because warmth still lived in the way Han Tian looked at her. But Mo Sheng could not bear Han Tian looking at her with disgust...
That year the district banned fireworks, so the sky above the city held none.
Yet Han Tian's red envelope was not missing. This time Han Tian slipped the red envelope beneath Mo Sheng's pillow...
Mo Sheng still packed the red envelope away in her box, then smiled at Han Tian as if nothing were wrong.
Looking at such a Mo Sheng, Han Tian could not help smiling too.
Her heart held some sourness, and even more relief.
This was the distance and state Han Tian liked best.
Mo Sheng would surely have the future she loved...
Soon the second term of tenth grade began.
Because pressure ran high at the key high school, the school regularly held moral education classes, with boys and girls taught separately.
The teacher was a kindly old lady, most witty and warm in class.
"People often regret certain youthful notions once grown. For instance, while developing, they stubbornly insist that flat chests are the most beautiful. They even envy classmates with thin hair, envying how they can tie a perky topknot with ease... Looking back once grown, they wish time could reverse so they could slap their past selves..."
"And the feeling of liking someone in youth is normal too. Don't feel shy about it, and no need to feel shame..."
...
Is liking someone truly normal? Even when that person was clearly someone she should not long for...
No one had ever spoken so frankly to these girls about matters of the heart. All listened to the teacher with shyness and curiosity, and even after class everyone kept discussing it...
"I already knew everything the teacher said, but a good student like you surely didn't," Mo Sheng's deskmate was a lively girl named Li Meng. Li Meng was drawn to good looks and loved chatting with Mo Sheng.
After class she gave Mo Sheng a secretive look. Seeing Mo Sheng seemed distracted, she quietly slipped her newest mobile phone to Mo Sheng. "While I still have data, search for 'Lujiang Literature City' on the web. It will open the door to a new world!"
"There's more than love between boyfriends and girlfriends. Hee hee, there's boy love, girl love..."
"Girl... girls?"
...
Mo Sheng pressed her lips together and, as if driven by some impulse, took her deskmate's mobile phone.
...
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