Emergence - Chapter 20

Chapter 20

That morning, I awoke in a daze, momentarily unsure of where I was. But my memory quickly returned, and I saw her, nestled in my arms. The crown of her black hair, her long tresses winding and spilling across the bed, mine and hers tangled together. In that instant, a sweet warmth flooded my chest and rushed to my head, overwhelming me.

With a heart full of reverence, I caressed every inch of her bare skin, her hair, her brows, her eyes. I couldn't resist kissing her, kissing her until she woke.

We had been too wild last night. She didn't know much about what happens between lesbians, so I was the one doing all the work. I took her again and again, and her body, long since parched, was once again sated. Now, her usually pale face held a healthy blush, which looked incredibly beautiful. But because of that, she seemed much more tired than I was. Her constitution was already weak, and in my passion last night, I had lacked restraint. I was afraid I might have hurt her. She was so tired she could barely open her eyes, yet she smiled, nestled in my arms. It was a silly smile, and her hand gently stroked my back as if comforting a child.

"Are you tired? Do you want to get up?" I asked her.

She just shook her head and burrowed deeper into my embrace. The hair on top of her head tickled my neck, making me want to laugh. I held her tighter, not wanting to be apart from her for even a second. We lay there in a silent embrace for a while, until I suddenly realized something:

"You sleep a little longer. I'm getting up now."

"Where are you going?" She held on to me, refusing to let go, her voice a mix of petulant coquettishness and lazy sensuality.

"No one looked after Youyou last night. She must be hungry by now. I'm going to feed her and change her diaper," I said, smiling as I stroked her head.

"I'll get up too," she said, but I pressed her back down.

"You were too tired last night. Sleep a little longer. I'll come get you later."

Her cheeks flushed, but she lay down obediently, submitting to my words. I kissed her forehead. She held my hand, refusing to let go. In the end, one of us stood by the bed while the other lay in it, holding hands for over three minutes before we finally, reluctantly, let go.

After getting dressed and leaving the bedroom, I couldn't help but chuckle. It was hard to imagine she could be so attached to me. I felt so foolish for how I'd been last night, thinking she could never like me and feeling like my world was ending. Now, I felt as if I were soaring through the clouds, free and joyful.

I went to check on the little one. She was sound asleep. A pang of guilt hit me when I remembered how we two adults had completely ignored her last night. I quickly washed up, then went to the kitchen to prepare her formula. Just as I finished, the little one woke up on cue, her little mouth puckered in a pitiful expression, on the verge of tears.

I held the bottle in my mouth while I changed her diaper, then held her and fed her. Only after the little one was comfortable did I go back out to the kitchen to make breakfast.

It was eight-thirty in the morning, which was clearly late for me. We hadn't finished dinner last night, and it was still on the table. Luckily, it hadn't gone bad. I used the leftover rice to make congee and reheated the two dishes for breakfast. As I was busy in the kitchen, she got up. The first thing she did upon entering the kitchen was hug me. That "back hug in the kitchen," a sweet interaction between couples I had longed for, finally happened this morning. I was so happy I wanted to laugh out loud.

Turning around, I found her lips and kissed them softly. Then I quickly pulled away and said deliberately, "Hmm… you haven't brushed your teeth yet. Go on, then come eat."

She blushed again, shot me a playful glare, and headed for the bathroom to wash up. She wasn't properly dressed, having just thrown on one of my shirts. Since it was a woman's shirt, it wasn't as large as a man's and didn't cover much. Her slender legs were completely exposed, and even her underwear was faintly visible. Paired with her long, lazily draped hair that swayed at her hips as she walked, it was incredibly sexy. Watching her from behind, I almost lost control, my heart rate speeding up considerably.

After a slow, lovey-dovey meal, we finally finished eating and tidied everything up. It was past nine-thirty when Lin Yi's mother returned. She was clearly surprised to see me here.

"Gu Fan, what are you doing here?"

"Ah… I came to drop off a document from the court." I felt ashamed using yesterday's excuse again today.

I stole a glance at Lin Yi and saw her pressing her lips together, seemingly trying hard not to laugh. I found it amusing; I'd never seen such an expression on her before.

"Oh my, we've troubled you so much, making you run over here so early in the morning." Lin Yi's mother was full of gratitude, as she always was whenever she saw me.

"It's no trouble, no trouble at all. I have plenty of time."

"Gu Fan, are you busy tonight? Auntie would like to treat you to dinner."

"There's no need, Auntie. You're too kind," I said quickly.

"No, our family must treat you to a meal. The old man is being discharged from the hospital today. I just came home to drop off his things. We'll book a private room at Dexing Guan. Lin Yi, you have to come too, and bring Youyou."

It was rare for Lin Yi's mother to be so insistent. I knew it was the proper thing to do, so I didn't refuse again. Besides, I couldn't think of any other excuse to see Lin Yi, so seeing her again tonight would be for the best.

It was time for me to leave. Seeing that I was going, Lin Yi showed a clear look of panic and reluctance, almost reaching out to grab me. I could only smile at her and shake my head. But she pursed her lips and spoke to her mother.

"Mom, I'll walk Gu Fan out."

Her mother was visibly startled by her words; Lin Yi had never said anything like that before. After her surprise faded, she looked suspiciously at Lin Yi, then at me, a strange light in her eyes. I could only smile awkwardly, a light sweat breaking out on my back. Lin Yi, however, paid it no mind. She had already squeezed next to me and was starting to change her shoes. The small entryway couldn't fit both of us; she was practically pressed against me.

I said goodbye to her mother, confirmed the time for dinner, and went downstairs with her. The stairwell was dark. Before we even stepped outside, she turned and hugged me tightly.

"I don't want you to go."

"But I don't have a reason to stay at your place right now," I said, holding her and stroking her hair comfortingly.

"I'll go back and tell my mom about us right now," she said, puffing her cheeks.

"Take it easy. Don't scare her," I quickly stopped her rash impulse. Her enthusiasm made me incredibly happy, bubbling with bliss, but I still had to consider these practical matters.

"Don't worry, my mom won't stand in our way," she said with certainty.

I was silent for a moment before saying, "You still need to take it slow, you know? We have plenty of time. There's no rush."

"Mm," she answered obediently.

I loved her so much. I bent down and kissed her. "I'm going now. See you tonight."

"…Let me hug you a little longer." She clutched the fabric at my waist.

"Okay."

I suddenly remembered something. A while back, when Zhang Yucheng came to her house to cause trouble, Lin Yi had thrown her phone out the window, and it was lost. She later got a new phone and a new number, but I still didn't know it, let alone her QQ or WeChat. To contact her, I always had to call their landline. Thinking of this, I couldn't help but laugh. The way we communicated was truly old-fashioned. On second thought, Lin Yi hadn't used these communication tools for a long time, so it was no wonder.

I gave her my number. She hadn't brought her phone with her, so I took a pen from my bag and wrote my phone number, QQ number, WeChat ID, and all my other contact information on her palm. Then, we finally, reluctantly, parted.

When I got to the community parking lot and had just sat down in my car, placing my phone in its holder, a call from Lin Yi came in.

"Gu Fan, I… I miss you," she said, her voice soft and sweet over the phone.

"Mm, I miss you too." I rested my head on the steering wheel, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face.

"Will you think I'm annoying, that I'm too clingy?"

"How could I? The clingier you are, the happier I am." That was the absolute, unvarnished truth.

But being clung to like this had indeed become a sweet burden, and all I could do was sigh happily.

That evening, I had a meal of authentic Shanghai cuisine with Lin Yi's family of three—oh, and a little one who could only drink milk. Lin Yi was right; her parents didn't object to us being together and accepted it quickly. Or perhaps, deep down, the old couple had been hoping for this for a long time, just waiting for Lin Yi to come around on her own. The smoothness and speed of it all felt a little unreal, but the mix of relief and reluctance in her parents' voices as they spoke to me, like they were about to marry off their daughter, was too obvious to miss. I had no choice but to believe it. Throughout the dinner, Lin Yi just smiled without saying much, her cheeks slightly flushed with a faint shyness that made my heart pound.

"Uncle, Auntie, please don't worry. I have a house, a car, and savings. I'll love my wife, love our home, and love our child. I will definitely give Lin Yi a good life," I said, my head swimming with happiness, practically babbling.

After I said this, her parents nodded at me, half amused and half relieved. Lin Yi's eyes reddened slightly, and she reached for my hand under the table.

A day later, my senior found out about us, and I was once again "seen in a new light" by her. Under the pretext of celebrating for me, she made me treat her to a lavish meal. There went my food budget for the month. During the meal, my senior had a bit too much to drink and couldn't stop shaking her head and sighing.

"I really misjudged. At first, I thought Lin Yi liked you. Then after what happened, I thought I was wrong, that she could never like you. And what's the result? Now you're proving me wrong again. You… you two, did you conspire to ruin my reputation?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I could only comfort her, "Senior, didn't you say it yourself? 'Getting emotional is a fatal poison for a psychologist. This poison will blind a psychologist's eyes and deafen their ears, making it so they can't see or hear, only able to paint a picture based on their own imagination.' Because of me, you inevitably brought your emotions into your sessions with Lin Yi, which is why you couldn't see her true feelings."

I thought, wasn't I the same? My feelings for Lin Yi couldn't be described by the phrase 'getting emotional.' Naturally, I was also swayed by all sorts of emotions and distracting thoughts, making it hard to see what was truly in her heart. Even Lin Yi herself probably didn't fully understand her own heart. I think in that moment, she simply followed it. It was something even she couldn't have predicted, let alone us.

"Hmph…" My senior grumbled, finally saying through gritted teeth, with a sense of resignation, "I admit defeat this time!"

A few days later, Lin Yi and Youyou moved into my home, officially beginning our long life together. We couldn't get a marriage certificate, so we just held a small wedding banquet, inviting a few close friends and family to witness our union. My friends were very surprised that Lin Yi and I had ended up together, but they all offered their blessings. Naturally, my parents also knew about us. I didn't wait until the Mid-Autumn Festival; I took Lin Yi to see them during the Dragon Boat Festival. My parents were very pleased. They had always been fond of Lin Yi, and in their eyes, the fact that we could be together was an unbreakable bond of fate that should be cherished.

Lin Yi's mental state improved day by day, and by mid-June, my senior declared her fully recovered. All this time, I had been nourishing her with various supplements and soups, feeding her well. She finally put some weight back on, and as she filled out, her complexion improved greatly. She had returned to the realm of a normal person, and was even more beautiful than the average woman. At thirty, she looked mature and full of charm, finally showing me, after a decade, the splendor she was always meant to have.

After being unemployed for so long, she started a new job in late June, becoming the financial director of our Psychology Treatment Research Studio. This was at my senior's strong insistence; she, who never gets up early unless there's a profit to be made, would never pass up such a readily available talent. Lin Yi also began to systematically study psychology under my senior—not for any particular reason, but simply because her long illness had sparked an interest in the subject.

As for me, I embarked on a new journey. At my senior's strong suggestion, I began preparing for my doctoral exams while helping out at her studio. She introduced me to the most renowned doctoral advisor for clinical psychology in Shanghai, and I began a life of diligent study.

Life flowed by as placidly as water, but was as sweet as honey on the inside. Lin Yi and I were inseparable, always together as a pair. The honeymoon phase showed no signs of ending. We were so clingy, neither of us could be without the other. My senior often said through gritted teeth that hiring both of us was an act of pure self-torture.

Youyou grew healthier day by day, and the name on her household registration was finally changed to Lin Wangyou. The little one could now call out to people. Every time she saw me, she would ask to be held, even clingier to me than Lin Yi was. But she seemed to be perpetually confused about what to call me, so both Lin Yi and I were called "Mama." I figured I would teach her how to differentiate when she was a little older.

One morning, I was waiting for Lin Yi by the door, but she was taking forever in the room. I had to call out to her.

"Yiyi? Hurry up, we're going to be late. My senior will go crazy."

"Wait a second, I'm coming!"

She finally ran out, and we put on our shoes and left. As we were taking the elevator down, I suddenly realized I had forgotten my phone. I tossed the car keys to Lin Yi and said, "You go wait in the car. I'll be right back with my phone."

She smiled and teased me, "And here you were rushing me, only to be the forgetful one yourself."

I gave a silly laugh, earning a roll of her eyes. I ran back home, taking the stairs two or three at a time. I went into the bedroom and saw my phone right there on the nightstand. As I picked it up, my eyes inadvertently glanced at the dressing table. A drawer was not fully closed, open just a crack. Curious, I went over and opened it. Inside lay the ring box I had bought last Christmas, the one I never got to give her. Next to the box was a notebook I had never seen before. I couldn't help but open it. Only the first page was used. On it, in Lin Yi's elegant handwriting, was a lyrical poem:

《I Love Her》

I can't say for sure when I started to love her.

Nor can I describe how much I love her now.

I never thought I would one day love someone so deeply.

Love a woman.

I was once a staunch heterosexual.

I looked down on gay people with contempt.

And yet my entire life would be inescapably tied to this particular group.

I was deceived.

Toyed with.

Persecuted.

And I could only swallow my anger, lacking even the courage to escape.

There was a time when I hated gay people.

Hated them enough to want to take a knife and kill every one of these deviants in the world.

But that was just a fantasy in my mind. I grieved for my own cowardice.

In the end, I chose to end my own life.

But I did not succeed.

Because she arrived.

She was like a light, dispelling the thick, heavy darkness that enveloped me.

I love her.

I love the gentleness when she holds me.

I love the sound of her voice when she sings me to sleep.

I love how she dotes on me as if I were a child.

I love the unwavering resolve when she said, "Walk with me."

I love her downcast eyes when she is occasionally vulnerable.

I love the cigarette between her fingers when she is in pain and heartbroken.

I love everything about her.

I love her, but I never thought I would love her like this.

I suppose this is my destiny.

I was once a fragile caterpillar.

Timid, delicate, and covered in thorns.

There was too much suffering in this world for me to bear.

So I spun silk, thread by thread, and bound myself tightly within.

I thought I would sink into oblivion just like that.

But I never expected that my transformation would begin at that very moment.

She was the unseen force of life.

She pushed me to struggle through hardship, to break free from suffering.

She gave me a pair of wings, beautiful and strong.

She led me to shatter my shackles, to break open that thick, dusty cocoon.

Transform into a butterfly! Spread my wings! Soar high!

I love her more than my own life.

I never thought I would love her so much.

But so what? This is life.

—Lin Yi 2015.6.28

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