Emergence - Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The small cradle, which had once stayed in my bedroom for a month, was now here again, in the Lin family home. The little one was inside it. She was wide awake and very lively, babbling and gurgling, clapping her chubby little hands together, tangling them up, seemingly having the time of her life for reasons unknown.

The little one saw me, her large, dark eyes staring straight at me. She must have recognized me. Immediately, as she always did, she stretched her chubby little hands towards me, asking to be held. I adored this child so much that I could never refuse her. I lifted her out of the cradle. Her little arms wrapped around my neck, drooling, as she looked at me with a dazed, cute expression, speaking in a baby language I couldn't understand, cooing and gurgling as if she were calling my name.

I rested my forehead against hers and whispered,

"Hey, Youyou, did you know? I really love your mom. I want to spend my whole life with her, take good care of her, and take good care of you too. Watch you grow up, and grow old with her. But Youyou, what if your mom doesn't like me? Your mom and I are both girls. She thinks it's wrong for two girls to be together, that it's not right. I'm so sad right now, Youyou… I'm so sad…"

The little one blinked her big eyes, looking at me with innocent confusion. How could she possibly understand what I was saying? It was only to this little one, who understood nothing, that I could voice these words. I truly felt so pathetic. I couldn't even manage to say "I love you, be with me." I couldn't say it ten years ago, and I still can't say it now. Are we really destined to just pass each other by?

"Youyou, what do you think I should do? Should I… should I say it… Maybe if I don't, I can still… still leave some room, maybe in the future… maybe I can still come see her again. But if I say it… what room will I have… to ever see her again? My senior told me to forget her, to not see her again, but I… I can't. Every night, when I close my eyes… all I see is her. Youyou… what should I do?"

The words I had held in my heart for so long finally came pouring out, and my tears flowed like an open floodgate, soaking my cheeks. Youyou probably had no idea why I was crying like this, but the little one knew to wipe my tears. Her chubby little hands smeared across my face, still babbling in her baby language. A warmth spread through my heart; I felt comforted.

I wiped my tears, took a deep breath to compose myself, and then placed the little one back in her cradle, saying softly,

"Youyou, maybe Auntie won't be able to see you anymore. It's okay. Even if we don't see each other again, Auntie will be blessing you and your mom from afar. You two must be happy."

I think this was the last thing I would say to Youyou. Even if she couldn't understand a word, I had to say it.

I opened the door, went into the bathroom, washed my face, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I made sure Lin Yi wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong before I stepped out.

As soon as I came out, I saw Lin Yi standing at the other end of the hallway, her hands at her sides, watching me without a word. I froze, not understanding what she meant by this. The light outside had faded, and the lights inside weren't on, leaving the hallway shrouded in darkness. I couldn't see her face clearly.

"Dinner's ready. Come and eat," she said, her tone calm, nothing out of the ordinary.

"Okay," I replied.

At the round dining table, we sat next to each other. There were two dishes and a soup on the table-simple fare, yet they smelled wonderfully fragrant. She served me a full bowl of rice. I held it, but I had no appetite at all.

I ate, but it was like chewing wax; I couldn't even taste the food. It was a rare occasion for her to cook a meal for me-eggplant, tofu, both my favorites. Why… why couldn't I even taste them?

The atmosphere at the table grew increasingly heavy. Lin Yi ate in silence, not looking like she was savoring a delicious meal either. Neither of us said a word. The atmosphere was hard to describe, like a final meal before an execution. After we finished, it would be a final farewell.

Why, why was it such torture? Maybe I shouldn't have come today. It would have been better to have parted ways coolly outside the courthouse more than ten days ago, leaving with the feeling that we might meet again, and then never seeing each other again. Now, here I was, facing this awkwardness again, torturing my own heart.

After eating half a bowl of rice, I put down my chopsticks. I really couldn't force myself any longer. I felt like I was suffocating; the air was so thick I could barely breathe.

"You're not eating anymore? Why so little? Did you not like my cooking?" she asked, putting down her own bowl and chopsticks.

"No," I shook my head. "My stomach's a little upset today. I can't eat."

"Then have some soup. We have stomach medicine at home, I'll get it for you," she said quickly.

"No, it's okay," I said, raising a hand to refuse.

But she didn't listen. She served me a bowl of soup, then bustled off to get the medicine. When she finally found it after rummaging through cabinets and brought it over, she saw that I hadn't moved. The bowl of soup sat untouched on the table. She asked again,

"Is the pain bad? Take the medicine quickly. I'll get you some water."

"Really, it's fine. It doesn't hurt that much."

"Then drink the soup. It will warm your stomach."

I just shook my head.

"Lawyer Gu… this is lotus root soup, it's good for the stomach…" she seemed to want to persuade me further.

"Lin Yi!" I stopped her, my voice tinged with anger. "I said I don't need it!"

She fell silent, standing quietly by the dining table. I took a deep breath, not daring to look at her. Steeling myself, I closed my eyes and said,

"Lin Yi, I have something to say to you."

"I don't want to hear it," she said.

It seemed she knew what I wanted to say. From the moment I put down my chopsticks, or perhaps even from the moment I stepped into this house, she knew. That's why she had been using all sorts of pleasantries to stop me from speaking.

"Hehehe…" I laughed bitterly. "You won't even give me a chance to speak?"

She didn't answer.

I stood up to face her, finally mustering the courage to look into her eyes. But she averted her gaze, refusing to look at me, her head turned towards the corner of the wall.

"Whether you want to hear it or not, I came here to say this. Just listen. When I'm done, the right to judge is all yours. Whatever you say, goes. I won't resist again."

"Lawyer Gu, this isn't a courtroom, and I'm not a judge," she said.

"Just pretend it is!"

"I'm not!"

"You are!"

She was angry, and so was I. She grabbed the medicine box from the table and threw it at me, then quickly turned to escape. The box hit the floor with a "clatter." I stepped to the side and reached out, grabbing her arm. The force of my pull sent her stumbling back into my embrace. She thrashed her arm furiously, shouting,

"Let go of me!"

"I won't!" I wrapped both my arms around her, trapping her in my hold.

She started to struggle. I pushed her hard against the wall, pinning her there, but I cushioned the back of her head with my hand, afraid she would hit it.

"Lin Yi!" I panted heavily. Her hands were pressed against my chest, pushing me with all her might, but she was no match for my strength. My blazing anger transformed into a final, desperate resolve. I shouted into her ear,

"Listen to me! I'll leave after I'm done!"

Her eyes were filled with tears. She shook her head, but the strength in her hands gradually weakened. I caught my breath for a moment, then, in the most resolute tone I had ever used in my life, I said,

"I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! Lin Yi, walk this path with me!"

Her body trembled, tears already streaming down her face, her hands resting limply on my chest. After saying those words, having used all the courage I possessed in my entire life, I felt almost completely drained of strength. I no longer had the power to hold her. I slowly released my hands and stepped back.

I felt a chasm tear open between us. She leaned against the wall, her gaze never once meeting mine, just staring at the floor, panting, trembling, cowering. She didn't answer me. I knew she wouldn't. She didn't need to. I had known the answer all along. She must be terrified, right? To be entangled with a lesbian like this-how unfortunate.

I gave a sad smile and whispered,

"I'm leaving."

Then I slowly turned, walked to the entryway, shakily changed my shoes, opened the door, and left.

I stumbled down the stairs, the whole world spinning around me. I stood outside the building, clutching my collar, gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. Tears streamed down my face, but it wasn't crying. I just felt so awful, a tightness in my chest that was suffocating me. I felt like I was having an asthma attack, unable to catch my breath.

The sky outside had completely darkened, and the streetlights in the complex had come on. I walked aimlessly along the path towards the parking lot, my steps unsteady, pausing every few steps.

It hurts so much, so much I could die. I leaned against a lamppost, feeling like I couldn't take another step.

I heard footsteps behind me, fast, like someone running. The sound seemed to come from far away, as if from the edge of the sky; yet it also seemed slowed down, echoing.

Who was running? I didn't turn around. I wasn't in the mood to care. I thought I might be hallucinating, my mind in a daze, my breathing constricted.

Just as I was about to continue walking, I suddenly felt a strong force from behind. Someone wrapped their arms tightly around my waist. I lost my balance for a moment, stumbling forward a few steps before I could steady myself.

Who? Who bumped into me, and why are they holding me so tight? Don't they know I can't breathe? It's so uncomfortable. But the soft warmth from behind me, and that familiar scent, made my heart stop for a second.

"Lin Yi?"

"Don't go! I won't let you go!"

Her trembling, crying voice rang in my mind like a great bell, instantly turning my brain blank. My stopped heart began to pound violently. I wondered if I was really hallucinating, if this was all just my imagination.

"You said it! You said you wanted to spend a lifetime with me! How can you take it back so quickly?" she cried, accusing me, her face buried in my back. Her voice was muffled. My back grew hot with each breath she exhaled, and her tears had already soaked through my thin clothes.

"Lin Yi… first… let me go…" I gasped, speaking in broken phrases.

"I won't! You're a liar, a coward! You say things and then take them back, leaving me with those words and running away. You bully me and then take no responsibility," she continued to accuse me, saying things that made me want to laugh.

"Lin Yi… hehe… Lin Yi, loosen up a bit, I can't breathe…" I laughed out loud. "Let me turn around. I want to see you."

"Don't look… My eyes are swollen from crying, I look awful…" she said softly.

I just smiled and said,

"I've seen you look worse."

After I said that, she gave my back a soft slap that didn't hurt at all. She let go, and I turned around. I saw she had run out wearing only her slippers, and one had even fallen off, lying forlornly a few meters away.

She kept her head down, her eyes red, her lips pursed in a mix of anger and shyness. A blush spread across her face, especially noticeable under the streetlight. I couldn't tell if it was from the running or her heightened emotions, but it was incredibly cute. I reached out and wiped away her tears, cupping her small, palm-sized face as if I were holding the entire world. I couldn't describe the emotion in my heart right now. The excitement, the elation, the rush of warmth about to overflow-I wanted to laugh out loud. It was truly from hell to heaven in a second, as thrilling as a rollercoaster. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

"You're still beautiful when you cry," I said with a smile, pulling her into my arms and tightening my grip. With a full embrace of her soft, warm, fragrant self, I felt I could never let go, that I would hold her for a lifetime.

She hugged me back, clutching the fabric on my back, and said with her face muffled in my chest,

"Don't go, okay? I'm… I'm slow, and stubborn. I can't figure a lot of things out, and I always make you unhappy. I won't do it again, really. Please don't go, okay? When you turned to leave, I felt like I couldn't breathe…"

"I won't go. I'll never go again. I'm going to stick with you for a lifetime. You'll never be able to get rid of me," I said. I had never heard her speak to me like this before; my heart was about to melt. I could only hold her tighter.

I lowered my head to find her lips, kissing her clumsily. She tried her best to respond. The taste between our lips was salty, like tears, yet so soft, making me want to take more.

At this moment, I truly wanted to meld her into my bones, but this was not the place for intimacy. I could only hold her and turn to walk back, picking up her slipper. Without even taking the time to put it on for her, I swept her up into my arms and walked quickly upstairs.

We burst into the house, embraced, and fell onto the bed in the bedroom. This was Lin Yi's own bedroom; Youyou's cradle was not here but in her parents' room. I locked the door and began to undress her. Her trembling hands fumbled with the collar of my shirt, seeming even more eager than I was.

"Wait… wait, Lin Yi, your mom…"

"She's not here tonight."

I had no more inhibitions. I lowered my head and captured her lips, sucking on them forcefully. Her hand caressed my cheek, so gentle, so passionate. It was the touch of a lover, and it made me drunk with desire.

She, who was once so traumatized that she resisted any form of intimacy, had finally let go completely. That night, she and I became one, and from that day forward, we would never be separated again.

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