BSS - Chapter 87
Chapter 87
When Xu Wei opened her eyes, Deng Chuan was already awake.
The first thing she saw was the kid's half-bare back, revealing two distinct shoulder blades and a section of her spine, a picture of well-proportioned grace. Deng Chuan stood by the bed, fluidly pulling on a base layer shirt. The soft fabric draped down, covering all her charm, which made the small patch of skin visible below her collar seem particularly sexy.
After Deng Chuan finished dressing, she seemed to sense Xu Wei's gaze. She turned her head, leaned over, and suddenly closed the distance between them. Deng Chuan's hair fell beside Xu Wei's face with the movement, and Xu Wei could smell the same shampoo she used. In a daze, she felt a gentle press against the corner of her mouth.
Xu Wei suppressed her racing heart. "Why are you up so early?"
Deng Chuan placed a hand on her shoulder. "Your alarm went off."
"Did it?" Xu Wei turned her head to look at the phone on the nightstand. Indeed, it was already past the alarm time. "Why didn't you wake me?"
The kid pursed her lips and smiled without saying anything.
Using the support of Deng Chuan's hand, Xu Wei sat up in bed. The blanket slid off her as she wrapped her arms around Deng Chuan's neck and affectionately nuzzled her ear.
At the foot of the bed, Zhou Liu was sound asleep, completely oblivious to the two humans' movements.
While Xu Wei was getting dressed, Deng Chuan went into the bathroom to wash up. The usually quiet morning was filled with small sounds. As Xu Wei buttoned her shirt, she could hear the cold wind outside gently tapping at the windowpane.
After changing, Xu Wei and Deng Chuan ran into each other right at the bathroom door. The kid's face was still beaded with water. She reached out a damp hand, wanting to touch Xu Wei's face, but Xu Wei caught it. "It's probably very cold outside. Go dry your face."
Deng Chuan nodded earnestly. Out of a private little wish, she had just used Xu Wei's facial cleanser and was now using her moisturizer. Besides, her own bottles and jars were placed together with Xu Wei's, making it almost impossible to tell whose was whose.
Deng Chuan used them with a perfectly clear conscience.
Zhou Liu was finally woken by their footsteps. As Deng Chuan sat before the mirror applying cream to her face, the cat watched her with sleepy eyes, lying there in a daze for a while. It wasn't until Deng Chuan stood up that he got to his feet, stretched lazily, jumped off the bed, and followed her out, sticking close to her heels.
There was hot water in the kettle, boiled the night before. Deng Chuan poured a glass for herself and another for Xu Wei.
Wisps of steam rose from the sides of the glass.
From a corner of the living room came the sound of Zhou Liu crunching on cat food. Deng Chuan checked the fridge but didn't find any breakfast, so she rummaged through the cabinet and opened a can of treats for the cat.
Xu Wei was always slow to get ready. Zhou Liu had finished his canned food, and she still hadn't come out. Deng Chuan wasn't in a hurry. She patiently scrolled through her phone on the sofa outside. It was the first day of the holiday, and everything was quiet; most people were probably still asleep.
Just as Deng Chuan put down her phone and managed to get a second feather off the cat teaser while playing with Zhou Liu, Xu Wei finally emerged from the room, all ready. She was wearing a matching suit from the school and had light makeup on. Her loose hair was tucked behind her ears, revealing a dangling, teardrop-shaped earring.
Deng Chuan noticed the earring immediately. She carefully reached out to touch it and praised her without reservation, "It's beautiful!"
One doesn't dress up to please others, but receiving a timely look of appreciation from a loved one is always a delightful thing. A smile played on Xu Wei's lips as she pinched Deng Chuan's cheek. "Good girl. It's still early, I'll take you out for something delicious."
The two of them put on their overcoats and left, shutting the reluctant Zhou Liu, who had been following at their heels, inside.
There were few pedestrians on the road. Looking out the car window, the bare branches of the roadside trees stood firm in the cold wind. But as Xu Wei turned a corner, the foot traffic gradually increased. This was the entrance to a local morning market. Deng Chuan had rarely been to this area and curiously peered again and again toward where the crowd was flowing.
Xu Wei found a place to park and led Deng Chuan into the market.
The sounds of hawkers' calls, greetings, and bargaining filled the air. The crowd bustled back and forth, creating a lively atmosphere that seemed to dispel the winter's cold and desolation. Dazzlingly green vegetables were arranged neatly on the ground, and tomatoes were stacked in small bags, clearly priced.
The fruit was covered with cardboard, and in front of the stall stood a cardboard sign with the types and unit prices written on it.
Fried cakes sizzled in a wok, and steamer baskets were stacked high. Steam rose from the breakfast stalls, where windproof curtains hung over the seating areas. Xu Wei led Deng Chuan to a noodle stall, ordered two bowls of noodle soup, and lifted the curtain to go inside.
It was even livelier inside than out. While Deng Chuan was wiping the table for her, Xu Wei arranged her bowl and chopsticks and smiled at her. "On weekends, I often come here to eat after my run."
Deng Chuan nodded and handed Xu Wei a tissue.
Xu Wei's casual remark registered in Deng Chuan's ears. The market's liveliness seemed to fade behind the curtain, and the space inside suddenly felt desolate. Deng Chuan couldn't quite put a finger on what she was feeling. Her mind was consumed by a single thought: during all those days when Xu Wei woke up early for a run, ate breakfast, and visited the morning market alone, she wasn't by her side.
She had no idea what Xu Wei might have been thinking at those times.
Deng Chuan realized with a pang of sadness that in the more distant future, there would be many more moments like this. Perhaps they should have been prepared, but what one imagines is always different from the experience of facing it for real, and different again when the feelings run deep. She felt both helpless and heartbroken for Xu Wei, a feeling that clutched at her young heart.
If you decide not to regret something, does that mean you truly won't?
She didn't dare ask herself: if the past version of her, the one who spoke of "trust" and "love" to Xu Wei, had known that such unbearable helplessness lay in the near future, would she have continued to be brave?
Was it possible that reason, loneliness, and endurance were what her love was supposed to be?
Deng Chuan desperately wanted to slam on the brakes and stop thinking. She tried her best to convince herself that she had gained more happiness than just endurance, that she made Xu Wei happy too. Their happiness was shared, a world apart from a one-person show, and that was enough.
But at the same time, she realized with even greater gloom: in a way, her existence was no different from Xu Wei's past hardships.
—If not for her love, would Xu Wei be better off?
Deng Chuan lowered her eyes, unable to stop her thoughts from spiraling: without her, Xu Wei wouldn't have to endure the distance, the waiting, the constant worry. And she certainly wouldn't have to endure, after all that, the regret that was now creeping up inside Deng Chuan, a regret Xu Wei knew nothing about.
This was an extremely dangerous question. The moment the thought surfaced, Deng Chuan felt that if Xu Wei knew what she was thinking right now, she would definitely get another scolding.
The memory of being scolded finally brought some of Xu Wei's words to mind. Her dangerous train of thought was reined in. The noodles hadn't arrived yet. Xu Wei was asking if she wanted chili dipping sauce. Not daring to look at her, Deng Chuan just shook her head randomly.
No matter how smart she was, Deng Chuan was only nineteen. Her lack of life experience meant that when she encountered the kind of tangled emotions she had only read about in books, it was like glimpsing an iceberg beneath the water's surface through a thick fog. While retreating step by step, her pride and love also made her involuntarily start to examine her own faults.
She had yet to realize that the true key to overcoming difficulties lay not in self-criticism or reflecting on the past, but in bravely facing reality. More precious than criticism and reflection were bravery itself and the ability to keep fighting in the face of reality.
She also hadn't realized that life is mostly a lonely journey, and Xu Wei's companionship was actually her most precious treasure. A warrior sharpens a rusty sword to go on an adventure, to cut through thorns. The world was her battlefield.
Deng Chuan couldn't hide the expression on her face. Xu Wei looked at her. "What's wrong? Why are you unhappy again?"
The kid pressed her lips together and didn't speak.
Just then, the noodle soup arrived. The owner, saying "Careful, it's hot," carried a tray over, placed the two bowls on the table, and then set one in front of each of them.
Xu Wei didn't eat cilantro, so she picked the cilantro garnish from her bowl and put it into Deng Chuan's. "Hurry and try it. The noodles here are delicious. The first time I ate here, I thought that I had to bring you with me one day."
Deng Chuan forced a smile. "Well, here we are, aren't we?"
"Yeah." As Xu Wei spoke, she moved some of the noodles from her bowl to Deng Chuan's. "The portions are too big; I could never finish it before. Now that you're here, it's just right."
Deng Chuan believed Xu Wei's words were both casual and sincere, which only made her sadder. She used the rising steam to hide her reddened eyes. It was the first day of the holiday; she didn't want to ruin both their moods, and she certainly didn't want to get scolded by Xu Wei.
The two finished their noodles in silence and headed to the school. The final exams were about to begin, so there were hardly any students at the gate. Xu Wei's car drove past, its sound lonely in the air, before the electronic gate scanned her license plate and the barrier lifted high.
Xu Wei parked the car, shut the door with a thud, and led Deng Chuan toward the academic building. The exam was about to start. The proctors had to gather in a classroom to collect the exam papers and sign-in sheets and could only leave at the designated time.
She was wearing low-heeled shoes today, which made a crisp sound against the ground. "My office is in 502, the desk by the door. You can walk around on your own. If you get tired, go to my office. There's hot water, and there are snacks in the drawer if you get hungry. The exam is two and a half hours. Be good, okay?"
She watched with satisfaction as the kid nodded obediently.
Although she didn't understand why Deng Chuan had been a bit sullen since breakfast, Xu Wei was in a hurry to get the exam papers. She pointed her in the direction of the office, then followed the flow of people toward the proctors' assembly room, leaving Deng Chuan behind.
Deng Chuan leaned against the corridor railing and watched for a long while. The building opposite was the familiar senior year building. The students coming and going were all wearing the same uniform she had worn. They were taking their exams in classrooms she knew well, and perhaps someone was sitting in the very seat she once occupied.
Looking up, she saw the gray-white sky so common at the school in winter. At the corner downstairs, she had once followed behind Xu Wei.
Returning to high school, all the familiar and profound memories suddenly came flooding back. The temperature, the weather, the uniform, the scenery—everything was so familiarly self-evident.
Deng Chuan leaned against the railing until the exam bell rang. Most of the students passing by would look at her curiously. Maybe someone would recognize this stranger in the hallway as the person in the first photo on the bulletin board downstairs.
She was a stranger who had left an indelible mark on this school.
Deng Chuan wandered through the academic building, floor by floor, almost like a member of the exam inspection team. She couldn't find the classroom Xu Wei was proctoring in; perhaps it was in another building.
She had walked the path from the academic building to the cafeteria countless times. Deng Chuan remembered seeing a yellow cat at the corner at the end of the path once, and only once; it never appeared again.
The sports field was empty, without a single person. There was no echo in the air. Perhaps even the field itself had forgotten, but Deng Chuan would always remember that night when the spotlights shone into the sky. It was the first time she had gotten truly close to Xu Wei. She had smelled the fragrance of her hair, a tantalizing scent that made her want to grab her hand.
In the end, Deng Chuan sat down in Xu Wei's chair and sighed.
The office was empty. The arrangement on Xu Wei's desk was exactly the same as it had been during Deng Chuan's senior year. Deng Chuan poured herself a glass of water and sat down in the chair.
She placed the water on the desk but didn't take a single sip. She was just going through the motions mechanically. Then she lowered her head, resting her forehead against her hands, and stared into space.
Tears welled up, and her nose tingled. Her emotions were about to burst through the dam. Deng Chuan remembered that her past self hadn't been such a crybaby. Tang Lijuan had once joked that her personality wasn't very girly; she had wanted a delicate daughter who knew how to act cute, but Deng Chuan wasn't like that.
But now, no one was more aware of the fact that she was a girl than Deng Chuan herself. The softness and sensitivity belonging to a girl churned within her heart. Under the impact of these feelings, all her thoughts from the morning transformed into the tears that were now about to fall.
Deng Chuan had always believed that high school was the most important period of her life, that it had shaped her personality and her way of doing things. And that was indeed the case.
—After high school, she thought she had grown up.
But the walk just now told her she hadn't.
There are places in the world like this, places that hold all your memories. Even if you've traveled far away, when you look back, it's still there, quietly waiting. When you reminisce, everything is as vivid as yesterday. And yet, it has nothing to do with you anymore. It's like playing Super Mario as a kid: the next level is a brand-new world, and the mushrooms you stomped and the coins you collected in the previous level will never appear again.
But they still exist, real, in your coin pouch, so you can go and rescue the princess in the end.
Memories are real. Existence is real. Even if you forget, even if you regret, it's still there.
This is humanity's best weapon against time and their own fickle selves.
Deng Chuan picked up this weapon, like a warrior picking up her rusty sword. In her heart, she thanked her past self, thanked all her past bravery, thanked the decision she made last night. Her past self made her present self feel ashamed. It was in this moment of shame that she was struck by the realization that she hadn't grown up.
The moment her tears fell, Deng Chuan asked herself: Will you remember this moment? Will you remember today? Can you remember what all these tears, this shame, this unease, and this fearlessness mean?
She gritted her teeth and thought fiercely to herself: Never regret this again. You can never regret this again. You're in no position to have regrets. A person always has to fight for what they want, be it their youth, their time, or their memories. But never regret it.
Because, it was all worth it.
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