BSS - Chapter 3
Chapter 3
The first step is always the hardest. That was how Deng Chuan had comforted herself that night. Fortunately, after three consecutive days, her condition recovered, and life was back within her familiar control.
Deng Chuan opened her class schedule to check. The next class was Xu Wei's math class again.
Every time she had math class, she always felt that Xu Wei was sizing her up, intentionally or not. At first, she thought it was her imagination. After all, every student has felt a teacher's gaze following them like a shadow. That was until yesterday, when Wu Fuwu muttered from behind her after math class, "Why does Teacher Xu always look in our direction? I almost died of fright when I looked up and nearly made eye contact with her."
Deng Chuan was lost in thought.
Wu Fuwu's deskmate excitedly slammed his desk. "Me too! I didn't sleep well last night and was a little drowsy. I was about to doze off when I looked up, and she was looking right at me! Man, that woke me up instantly."
He said it in a funny way, but for some reason, Deng Chuan felt a sense of relief and lifted her cup to take a sip of water.
The class bell rang, and Xu Wei walked in, holding her books and laptop. She looked the same as always, her expression placid, dressed in professional black pants and a white shirt. The weather had turned cold today, so she had added a thin, gray knit cardigan. Visually, it made her appear much softer.
Halfway through the class, Yu Xiao suddenly cried out. A large hornet had landed on her notebook. She shook it frantically, but the hornet, which seemed to have an injured wing, trembled and was about to fall from the notebook onto her.
A commotion rippled through the surrounding students, everyone's eyes fixed on the hornet, afraid it would suddenly spring back to life and fly toward them. Just as Deng Chuan pulled a tissue from her desk, Xu Wei quickly walked over to them.
In one fluid motion, she took the tissue Deng Chuan was handing to Yu Xiao, pinched the hornet with speed, precision, and stability, wrapped it in the tissue, and held it in her hand. Then she gently soothed the still-shaken Yu Xiao, "Alright, it's okay now." Turning around, she walked back to the lectern. "Let's continue with the class."
Deng Chuan was a little stunned. As Xu Wei came and went, the faint, clean scent from her body drifted by, just like her face-elegant, yet serene.
How could such a young face always look so unflappable? It wasn't that there were no young teachers in the school. Because they were closer in age to the students, they had more in common and usually had a closer relationship.
However, given Xu Wei's looks and personality, Deng Chuan couldn't imagine her being close with her students. She suddenly remembered a term Su Mian had once mentioned in a chat: "a sense of boundaries."
She thought that Xu Wei was probably like her, a person who valued a sense of boundaries.
The third year of high school was academically demanding, and Deng Chuan was strict with herself. She made a point of waking up early to get to the classroom by six-thirty every morning. At that time, the classroom was empty and quiet, perfect for her recitation and English reading practice. Her family had plans for her to go abroad: get into a top university, participate in an exchange program during her undergraduate years, and then go directly abroad for a master's degree after graduation before returning to China for a targeted recruitment program. She was very clear-headed about it herself and didn't feel forced in the slightest.
In the autumn mornings, the brightness of the light was heavily influenced by the weather. Sometimes, when the weather was bad, the sky was a gray, gloomy white. The day would break dimly, creating a very dreary view. But when the weather was good, the sky at six-thirty would be bright early on, reflecting the brilliant yellow ginkgo trees along the road. Deng Chuan could see the magnificent, fish-scale pattern of morning clouds roiling on the horizon.
Time slipped away quietly as she looked up, day after day.
"Deng Chuan."
Deng Chuan, who was habitually twirling a pen while silently memorizing vocabulary, was not only interrupted but also dropped her pen on the floor.
Jiang Meng walked over with a smile and asked softly, "Did I scare you? Why are you here so early?"
Deng Chuan bent down to pick up her pen. She didn't say much, just hummed in acknowledgment. Then she asked, "Why are you so early today?"
Jiang Meng sighed. "Someone in my dorm snores. I didn't sleep well all night, so I figured I might as well get up. It's not that much earlier anyway."
Deng Chuan chuckled and gestured for her to sit. "Hurry and sit down."
Gradually, Jiang Meng also started arriving at the classroom around six-thirty every morning.
The two of them had a tacit understanding. When one was reciting, the other would remain silent. The classroom was exceptionally empty, with neat stacks of books and test papers on every desk, yet only the two of them were sitting so close together.
When Jiang Meng looked up from the vast web of knowledge and endless practice problems, she would see the girl's serene profile. Deng Chuan was extremely focused when she studied, her gaze concentrated, her lips pressed into a thin line. Sometimes her brow would furrow slightly, only to smooth out a moment later.
The days passed one by one, and soon it was time for the first monthly exam of the fall semester of their senior year.
Deng Chuan wasn't worried about the exam; on the contrary, she was a little eager. As she saw it, the exam was a showcase of her learning progress and mastery of knowledge over this period. Even though she had been in good form and her grades were stable, facing this critical period of her senior year, she was impatient to know where her level was.
The exam was tomorrow. After her afternoon classes, Deng Chuan rushed to her dorm to shower before heading to the cafeteria.
Xu Wei was wearing a thin, apricot-colored trench coat today. Her black hair framed her elegant face. When the wind blew, the hem of her coat fluttered.
Deng Chuan didn't say anything, just followed behind her silently.
On the way, a young teacher greeted Xu Wei. "Sister Wei. So late today."
Xu Wei nodded at her. "Setting up the exam rooms, so I'm a bit late."
"Have you written that report?" The young teacher came closer affectionately, linking her arm with Xu Wei's. "I'm doomed, I haven't written it yet."
"I've finished it."
"Then can I borrow it for reference when you get back tonight?" Hearing this, Xu Wei seemed a bit hesitant, but she couldn't withstand Qin Shu's pestering, and her expression softened slightly.
"Please, Sister Wei! I really can't finish it. I haven't even finished my lesson plans, and they're due for a group inspection in a few days..."
Thinking that it was just a perfunctory activity report, and that Qin Shu was truly persistent, Xu Wei relented. "It's on the top left corner of my desk."
"Thanks, Sister Wei!" Qin Shu looked like she wanted to lean in and nuzzle her face against Xu Wei, but Xu Wei raised a hand and pushed her face away. "...That's enough."
Watching the two of them in their awkward interaction, Deng Chuan was suddenly struck by an unknown impulse. She quickened her pace and walked past them.
Xu Wei watched her figure. The kid had her hair in a high ponytail that swayed as she walked. She was tall, and her strides were a bit large, yet she still appeared composed. Coupled with her straight nose and tightly pressed thin lips, she looked exceptionally spirited and heroic at a glance.
She suddenly wondered, how long had Deng Chuan been following them?
"What are you looking at?" Qin Shu leaned in and asked.
Xu Wei turned her head and stared at her fixedly, making Qin Shu's hair stand on end. She uncomfortably released her arm from Xu Wei's. "Sister Wei... what's wrong?"
Xu Wei retracted her gaze, flicked her hand lightly, and walked ahead on her own, saying coolly, "Nothing. If you have nothing else, you should hurry back and write your report."
The two-day monthly exam passed quickly. The weekend followed, and the teachers worked overtime to grade the papers, planning to announce the results on Monday.
On Sunday evening, after Xu Wei finished recording the class's grade report, she instructed the subject representatives to hand out the test papers.
She walked out of the office, preparing to go to the classroom to check on the students' state of mind. A light in the corridor along the way was broken, and there was some distance to the next one. The moonlight was bright, making this stretch of the path seem particularly dim.
She intentionally quickened her pace, but unexpectedly, she caught sight of two overlapping figures in a corner. They were in the blue and white school uniform.
Judging by their figures, they were probably two girls.
She didn't think much of it. It was common for students to be in low spirits after the monthly exam results were announced and to find a friend to talk to in a corner. She had been a student once, so she could understand.
Except-
"Deng Chuan, I've liked you since our first year of high school. I know I shouldn't say this. That was my original plan, too."
"But I..."
In the dimness, she heard a familiar name. Xu Wei was startled. Only then did she notice that the taller one's collar button was properly fastened, the fabric smooth. A small patch of skin on her neck was strikingly white.
There was a faint scent of laundry detergent in the air.
Xu Wei was rooted to the spot. Walking over rashly would surely get her noticed. She stopped and quietly retreated to the side.
Deng Chuan was cornered against the wall by Jiang Meng. The girl's soft, warm body was pressed against hers, and she could feel the rise and fall of her curves. Jiang Meng was about half a head shorter than her. She rested against Deng Chuan's collarbone, nervously steadying her breath, which felt a little hot and humid, and a bit itchy.
Deng Chuan resisted the urge to reach out and touch it.
Because of Deng Chuan's calm expression, the atmosphere wasn't ambiguous, but rather somewhat stagnant.
She even raised a hand to rest on Jiang Meng's shoulder, pushing her slightly away to create a little distance.
Jiang Meng's actions were unexpected for Deng Chuan, but she could already guess where things were headed. She wasn't surprised. Ever since she was young, because of her looks and personality, it was difficult for the opposite sex to develop any romantic feelings for her beyond simple goodwill. Even if they did, they lacked the confidence to conquer her. So in the end, they all became friends. Instead, it was mostly people of the same sex who showed her affection.
Su Mian had once joked that her type was the ultimate catch for girls. Girls all liked her type-good-looking and distant. Once she got a little older, she would be even more attractive to younger girls.
Deng Chuan didn't quite get it. She had never liked anyone, so naturally, the concept of "the gender of the person I like" didn't exist for her. She understood even less about types. She would just sometimes have a simple thought: whether the person she likes is a boy or a girl, it doesn't seem important. What they look like also isn't important.
Upon hearing this, Su Mian would wave her arms and deliver a passionate speech centered on the theme "men aren't worth it." Then she would lean in mischievously. "Does thinking this way mean you have someone you like? Seriously, you could have been the poster child for a living Buddha your whole life. What kind of person would you even fall for?"
What kind of person would she fall for? Or rather, what would the person who would walk alongside her in the future be like?
Deng Chuan's mind wandered a little.
Jiang Meng called her name in a very soft tone.
"Deng Chuan."
"The first time we met was on the first day of high school. You sat next to me, across the aisle. At first, I didn't pay much attention to you. A lot of girls came to our class to secretly look at you, deliberately walking back and forth by the window. I even secretly thought they were annoying and shallow..."
"Until one time, my book fell. You helped me pick it up, and your voice was so gentle. That's when I started to notice you."
Her voice was as light as a sigh.
"The closer I got to you, the more I discovered how wonderful you are. You're so wonderful. Being your classmate, your friend, is an honor and a joy. Sometimes I feel that's enough, that I'm already very close to you. But other times, I feel so far away. Just like now."
Jiang Meng looked at her. Deng Chuan could feel her gaze caressing her face. The surroundings were dim, yet this dimness seemed so moist and tender.
"Deng Chuan, I like you. I've liked you since our first year of high school. I know I shouldn't say this. That was my original plan, too."
"But when I heard you were in a car accident... I was so scared... I was afraid I'd never see you again..."
"So, I made up my mind that when I saw you again, I would definitely tell you how I feel."
"Did you know? I secretly watch you every morning. Every moment, I'm thinking, you're so wonderful, it's just a pity you don't like me."
In the darkness, her senses were infinitely magnified. Jiang Meng's tears dripped onto Deng Chuan's neck.
Warm and wet.
Carrying a young girl's body heat.
"I know you don't like me. But I just want to ask, if you were to like girls, could that person possibly be me?"
After Jiang Meng finished speaking, there was dead silence in the darkness, like a candle suddenly being extinguished.
Silence became a wind swirling around them, and the sound of the wind was Deng Chuan's unspoken sigh.
Deng Chuan reached out to steady Jiang Meng's trembling shoulder and wiped her tears.
"Jiang Meng, I can't make you any promises." Her voice was still gentle, like a cup of moderately warm water. Boiling a frog in warm water, the frog should have drowned in bliss without realizing it. But Jiang Meng's tears fell in large drops. "Why?"
Deng Chuan said, "You understand why better than I do."
In the darkness, Xu Wei listened quietly. When she heard Deng Chuan's final sentence, her expression didn't change much, but she couldn't help but raise an eyebrow. Then, she turned and walked away without a sound.
Xu Wei returned to her office and poured herself a glass of water before sitting down.
As she drank, she suddenly recalled the words of Deng Chuan's former homeroom teacher, Jiang Qian: "...Her mind is more mature than other kids her age, and she knows very clearly what she wants..."
She couldn't help but sigh inwardly: this kid isn't just clear-headed, she's sober to a fault.
Her heart held too many things, and yet too few. Too many types, but too little capacity. She had seen too little, yet already understood too much. She was still in her youth, not yet an adult, with so much untasted joy and life, and so many possibilities. And she wasn't without anything; she had the most vigorous vitality and boiling blood. She should have been racing down the road in a lively, boisterous manner.
Many people only realize what they once possessed after they've lost it. Xu Wei was the same.
Her life, starting from her school days, had been smooth sailing. She followed the process and became a standard-issue adult. The adult world was a mixed bag, with too many matters, too many words, that made a person very heavy, bogged down in the mud and unable to pull free.
These past few days, watching Deng Chuan, she saw how she lived her life methodically, with calm and restraint, so much like her younger self.
But Deng Chuan was like her, and yet not like her. She would have her own vibrant brightness, her own firm purity. Watching her, Xu Wei would sometimes fall into a trance. They would walk on two completely different paths. Whenever she thought of this, Xu Wei would involuntarily smile.
A youth like her, running on her path, shouldn't be capable of saying something so rational it bordered on cruel.
Deng Chuan was different from what Xu Wei had imagined.
But that was also very interesting.
Very perceptive, very special.
Compared to an ordinary youth, she was suddenly different.
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