PSW - Chapter 173
Chapter 173
A week passed.
Yu Yinan spent this week alone. She often sat in a corner of the living room, letting herself be swallowed by darkness and shadow.
To think, from the time they met until now, only a year had passed.
On the first day, right after leaving Zhao Haiyue, she was in a bit of a daze. After entering the room, she sat down by the door, gazing at the empty, unfamiliar hall and recalling the little moments of her first meeting with Zheng Yi. She was indeed someone who wasn't good at socializing. Even as an adult, even after living alone for so long, when disaster and danger struck, her first reaction was to want to go back and check on the family that had long since abandoned her. But the reality was, some familial affection, some love, if you couldn't have it, you just couldn't have it.
It was laughable, really. That time in Genbin, when Zheng Yi jumped out of the car to save people from the zombie horde, she'd even had the thought of abandoning Zheng Yi and fleeing alone.
"Zheng Yi.
"You really are a Saint."
She had said that back then. But at that time, the definition of the word "Saint" in her mind was completely different from what it was now.
Actually, thinking back now, if she hadn't met Zheng Yi, she probably would have suffered a lot. She wasn't a truly numb and cold person. If she had been alone and happened to come to the Pujie base, she would have definitely fallen deep into the abyss of her family, to be ruthlessly leeched off by those three. Of course, she might have eventually woken up completely and made a clean break, but it would never have been as quick as it was now… Perhaps she would have suffered with clear-eyed pain while still craving that false warmth. And what about the weak and the ordinary people? She couldn't have completely turned a blind eye to them either. Perhaps, within her capabilities, she would still have lent a helping hand.
She was grateful to Zheng Yi.
Yu Yinan thought that even if she had never said it to Zheng Yi, she herself should have clearly understood what Zheng Yi meant to her. She was never chosen, always abandoned. She seemed dispensable… But with Zheng Yi, whether it was real or fake, she always gave her affirmation.
Zheng Yi was very powerful, capable of controlling the whole situation. It seemed there was nothing in this world she couldn't do. But despite this, she was still warm… At least, she made Yu Yinan and the many, many people she saved feel that warmth. And in their time together, Zheng Yi always let her choose, let her be independent, let her decide for herself. And she, who was supposed to be the older sister, had actually gained strength and growth from Zheng Yi.
Her fondness, her love, her feelings for Zheng Yi didn't stem from a simple, one-dimensional persona, nor from mere obedience and gentleness…
When thinking about the past, what left the deepest impression on Yu Yinan was actually that late night. The puppet Zheng Yi left behind made all her previous suspicions erupt, and amidst a painful choice, she chose to believe. After a sleepless night, the moment she returned to their room at the base, Zheng Yi had unhesitatingly pierced through the facade she was trying to hide, making it impossible for her to deceive herself any longer, impossible to continue her old pretense. She had clearly burned the note, clearly compromised again amidst those repeated words, chosen to escape again, but Zheng Yi made her face it all.
"I've long known you're not what you seem."
The sentence was too short, too light, completely incapable of bearing the complex and tumultuous emotions Yu Yinan felt at that time.
She still remembered the pain of Zheng Yi's fingers piercing her skin, as if trying to dig out her heart inch by inch. In that dazed, fading weakness, she also remembered the blood-tinged kiss. Everything was fake, but everything was also real.
She had been lost, conflicted, and bewildered. She seemed deeply sick, yet also overly naive and innocent. Looking back now, she realized she had so many sides in front of Zheng Yi, that she was so weak yet so brave.
But Zheng Yi had never truly abandoned her.
Zheng Yi had always been with her, consciously guiding her growth.
Yu Yinan seemed to have completely faded the pain from her memory, remembering only the small moments worth cherishing and engraving in her mind. Zheng Yi had suggested they part ways more than once, but time and again, Zheng Yi gave her the chance, tacitly allowing her to stay.
"But this time, she left without saying goodbye…" Yu Yinan let out a sob, burying her head in her arms. She should have been content long ago. There were so many moments in the past when she had thought, "Even if I died right now, it would be worth it." But now? She had become extremely greedy. She actually craved Zheng Yi's love, an eternal love.
Yu Yinan couldn't go back and face that fake body, even though she was almost identical to Zheng Yi. Or rather, it was precisely because she was almost identical to Zheng Yi.
Zheng Yi went to collect the meteor fragments, didn't she? That's great. The end of the world is probably coming to a close. Why… why can't she welcome a new life of her own?
In the end, Zheng Yi had abandoned her, hadn't she? Even if she left behind a nearly identical doll, it wasn't the real Zheng Yi. It wasn't the lover who had gone through so much with her, not the Zheng Yi she loved, devoutly believed in, and was willing to give everything for.
When Yu Yinan faced this fact, she was already clear-headed. She could no longer deceive herself, no longer escape. It was useless. Zheng Yi was gone.
"Why, why didn't you kill me? Zheng Yi… So, the me right now, the way I am, my heart is worthless too, isn't it?" Yu Yinan picked up a small knife several times late at night, only to force herself to put it down.
She wanted to plunge the knife into her heart and carve it out, but in the end, she had to lower her hand. And so, cut after cut appeared on her wrist. The warm, crimson blood flowed freely, making her more and more lucid, and more and more insane.
Perhaps she should get used to living alone. She should be able to live well even after leaving Zheng Yi. The person Zheng Yi… wanted to see should be that version of her, not the listless and degenerate self she was right now.
"Jiejie, long time no see. You don't look well." When Yu Yinan, having composed herself, returned to the room she rented with Zheng Yi, the person inside greeted her the moment she opened the door, speaking with a gentle smile. "Do you need to rest? There's some ice water here. Or maybe you can tell me what you'd like to eat, and I'll make it for you."
Yu Yinan was dazed for a moment, but looking for Zheng Yi through "Zheng Yi" was clearly a foolish thing to do. She quickly collected herself, walked to the living room, pulled out a chair, and sat down. She then had "Zheng Yi" come and sit as well. "I came this time because I have something to discuss with you."
"Is that so. Jiejie, your current state makes me a little uneasy," "Zheng Yi" said in a low voice, her eyes flickering. She obediently came to Yu Yinan's side, pulled out a chair, and sat. She tried to take Yu Yinan's hand, but it was gently avoided. "Jiejie?"
"Do you know that you're…" Yu Yinan had intended to be direct, but just as the words were about to come out, she realized it might be cruel to speak to the fake body this way. She pressed her lips together and started again, "I'm very grateful for your care and companionship during this time."
"But I haven't been with you for very long, Jiejie." "Zheng Yi" looked a little sad, her eyes welling with tears. She stubbornly reached out, grabbed Yu Yinan's wrist, pulled off the black wristband, and looked at the lightly scabbed wounds underneath. "I failed to complete my mission and let Jiejie fall into such pain, hurting yourself like this." She used her ability, and a healing light quickly enveloped the area, restoring the scars until they were gone.
"…I'm sorry." Yu Yinan hadn't expected the fake body to know it was fake. She thought of the first fake body Zheng Yi had created, the one that could only say a single sentence, and wasn't sure how different this one was from that one. "You're not her, so… I'm sorry." She apologized again.
"So, have you made your choice, Jiejie?" A tear rolled from the corner of "Zheng Yi's" eye. She looked at Yu Yinan, seeming to ache for the scars on her wrist. "It's only been a year together. Perhaps you feel it's profound now, that your love is deep, but time erodes all things. Maybe, in the future, you'll grow tired of this kind of life."
Before Yu Yinan could speak, "Zheng Yi" spoke again. "An eternal lifespan, a tedious life, a cycle repeating year after year, everything will become dull and uninteresting… And Jiejie, you won't be able to end it on your own. Would you be willing to live such a life?"
"…So, does Zheng Yi find it uninteresting?" Yu Yinan murmured. "Then will she feel lonely?"
"Jiejie, how could a god be lonely?"
If Zheng Yi could feel bored and uninterested, how could she not feel lonely? Even though she shouldn't, Yu Yinan's heart ached for Zheng Yi. So, an eternal lifespan, a tedious life… a dull and uninteresting life, and losing the right to end it all—a choice that, once made, could never be taken back. Would she be willing?
If it was to be with Zheng Yi, how could she not be willing?
It's only been a year together…
"Then, will Zheng Yi love me?" Yu Yinan looked at this "Zheng Yi," an unknown emotion flickering in her eyes. She smiled. "Does God love the world? Oh, God, will you take pity on me?"
"I'm sorry, that question… I don't know either." "Zheng Yi" sighed, her gaze on Yu Yinan both sorrowful and gentle. "I'm just a puppet. How could I possibly fathom the preferences of a god?"
"So, this question is one Zheng Yi left for me." Tears glistened in the corners of Yu Yinan's eyes, but her smile grew more genuine. She stood up. "I understand now. Thank you."
"From now on, I'll be taking on various missions from Pujie, solo. If Zheng Yi left any tasks for you, you can do them as you please. Don't worry about me." Yu Yinan's gaze became resolute as she said seriously, "I don't want… to be some useless person."
"Jiejie, you've never been useless. You're already outstanding enough, amazing enough," "Zheng Yi" said earnestly.
【Thank you for giving me this opportunity to think seriously and be true to the choice of my heart.
But I have long since dedicated myself to you—my blood, my heart, my overflowing affection and most faithful belief. I am willing to offer you my soul and everything I have.
I am willing, and I understand what this answer entails, but I am willing. To me, this is a blessing, not a curse.
May I receive your compassion, and your love.】
Yu Yinan wrote up to this point and hesitated for a long time over the closing. But she didn't write any long, convoluted prefixes, nothing like "Your most devout believer" or anything of the sort. She simply wrote the words, "The one who loves you, Yu Yinan."
She was just an ordinary human. What she could give was only the most sincere emotions an ordinary human could offer, and everything she could possibly give.
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