Emergence - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

More than two weeks had passed in the blink of an eye since Lin Yi came to live with me, and the rhythm of my life gradually changed. I was no longer buried in work day and night, no longer eating whatever was convenient for my three daily meals. I started staying home all day, busy with various household chores, as if my new job was that of a housekeeper. My sudden disappearance greatly surprised my friends. Many of them called to ask what was going on, and I answered each one patiently. Although I kept Lin Yi's condition a secret, the news that I had quit my job and was now idle at home quickly spread through my circle of friends.

Many people knew where I lived and wanted to visit, or asked me to go out, but I politely declined them all. I had no free time to go out, and I certainly couldn't entertain guests at home. I simply told them I was preparing for a long solo trip. Hearing this, my friends assumed I was just having a fit of artistic temperament and didn't bother me any further. And so, I finally got some peace and quiet.

In truth, Lin Yi was quite easy to care for on a daily basis. She was very obedient and had some ability to look after herself. Though her reactions were a bit slow, she was much easier to handle than a noisy, boisterous child. As long as nothing triggered her, she wouldn't have an episode. I guided her little by little, coaxing her to speak with me, and she seemed to be talking a bit more. Every night, I would sing to her at her bedroom door. Usually, after half an hour or forty minutes, she would be able to fall asleep. I felt like I had forced myself to become an expert singer in just two short weeks, learning many gentle and hypnotic melodies—though I wasn't a bad singer to begin with.

Because her sleep had improved considerably, she looked much more spirited. Her complexion was no longer so frightening, and her mental state had stabilized a great deal.

I, on the other hand, put a great deal of effort into her diet. My senior had specifically prescribed a medicated diet therapy. We didn't want to put Lin Yi on medication, so dietary regulation became our top priority. Many traditional Chinese herbs meant to calm the mind and boost energy were added to her food, which also helped nurse her weak and withered body back to health. Her postpartum recovery had been poor, so she needed restorative nourishment now.

I had never been particularly skilled in the kitchen. My culinary abilities were limited to a few simple home-style dishes that I would occasionally cook for myself as a treat, a form of relaxation. For the first time, I began to study complex, elaborate dishes, especially the medicated recipes that incorporated Chinese herbs. They were incredibly difficult to make, and I had to spend several hours holed up in the kitchen every day researching them. Fortunately, my efforts were not in vain. The food tasted quite good, and Lin Yi seemed to enjoy it. Her cat-like appetite had finally expanded quite a bit.

I sometimes wondered if she knew my true reason for taking care of her. If she did, why did she accept it so readily? Logically, I was one of the people she hated most. She should have despised me and kept her distance. But she didn't. Instead, she was living under the same roof with me. Although I still didn't dare get too close or touch her for fear of triggering another episode, her hostility toward me didn't seem that intense. Most of the time, we coexisted peacefully.

At other times, I would have a sorrowful thought: perhaps she was doing this as a form of revenge. People like us had caused her so much misery, so of course she could accept my care with a clear conscience. Perhaps she was deliberately living under the same roof with me out of a confrontational mindset, determined to enter the "tiger's den" and fight like a warrior with her weapon in hand.

But no matter what I thought, none of it represented what Lin Yi was thinking. I didn't know what was on her mind, and that was what tormented me the most. Although I wasn't a top student from the psychology department, I did have a master's degree. After working in legal affairs for so many years and interacting with so many people, the ability to read expressions and body language had long since become second nature to me. But I found that I truly couldn't figure out what Lin Yi was thinking. Sometimes her actions were easy to guess, but at other times she seemed unfathomable, leaving me completely baffled.

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One day, I was in the kitchen chopping vegetables for lunch. I got a little distracted and accidentally cut my left index finger. Blood streamed out immediately. A jolt shot through my nerves, and I let out a low cry, sucking in sharp breaths of air as I hurriedly held my finger under the running water.

After I finished rinsing my hand, just as I was about to look for a bandage, I turned around and jumped in fright. Lin Yi was standing silently in the kitchen doorway, her eyes fixed on my bleeding finger. Her pale cheeks, combined with that expression, made her look as sinister and terrifying as a vampire. I was genuinely scared. I tried calling out to her.

"Lin Yi?"

Her long eyelashes trembled. She withdrew her gaze, looking down again as if she had snapped back to her senses. Then she turned and left. I watched her retreating back, which looked like a wandering spirit, and was left completely bewildered.

She was perfectly normal from lunch until evening. It wasn't until I went back into the kitchen to put dinner on the table that I heard the sound of rushing water from the bathroom. I frowned, lightened my steps, and slowly walked over. I saw Lin Yi standing silently by the sink, the faucet gushing as she washed her hands over and over. I had no idea how long she had been at it.

I didn't interrupt her immediately. Instead, I observed her process. She rubbed her hands back and forth, repeating the same motion. After rinsing for ten seconds, she would squeeze out some hand soap, lather her hands, and then continue rinsing. The bottle of soap I had left there, which had been full, was already half empty.

She was muttering something under her breath. Listening closely, I could make out words like, "Dirty, wash it clean…"

I knew her obsessive-compulsive disorder was acting up again.

What on earth had triggered it this time? I was a little annoyed with myself as I thought back. It was probably the sight of me cutting my finger at noon. She had attempted suicide by slitting her wrists before; seeing such a bloody scene would inevitably provoke a reaction. But why had she started washing her hands? I remembered that her medical records didn't list hand-washing as one of her compulsive symptoms. She would only turn on the TV and flip through the channels, or stand below a building and count the floors, or stand at the top of a staircase and count the steps.

According to my senior's analysis, there were traceable reasons for Lin Yi's compulsive symptoms. She flipped through TV channels to distract herself, and the main culprit was her daughter, Youyou. Youyou's crying was like a nightmare to her, so she would turn on the TV, crank the volume to maximum, and constantly change the channel.

As for counting the floors of buildings, that was because the thought of jumping to her death had crossed her mind more than once. When she was still hesitating, she had to distract herself, so she would start counting.

Counting steps was because of a very painful experience. She had once tried to win Zhang Yucheng back. That night, she had sat in the hallway of the apartment building where he lived with his boyfriend, and she had stayed there all night. From then on, stairwells became her nightmare. Whenever she saw one, she would inevitably start counting to distract herself.

So now that she had started washing her hands, what was she trying to distract herself from? Could it be the thought of slitting her wrists?

Because of the lesson from last time, I didn't dare to interrupt her rashly. Instead, I went to the living room, got my phone, and called my senior.

I briefly explained the situation. My senior thought for a moment and said:

"She is indeed trying to distract herself from the thought of suicide by slitting her wrists. The scene of her suicide attempt that night was actually just like this. Her mother said she stayed in the bathroom for a long time. She had gone in to take a shower, but she ended up being in there for two hours. By the time her mother sensed something was wrong and opened the door to check, she found that she had slit her wrists. She used her father's razor, which was kept in the bathroom."

"I asked for details about the bathroom at that time. Her mother's memory isn't very clear. She only remembers the sound of rushing water and that the sink faucet was on. Lin Yi wasn't wearing any clothes and was soaking wet, her skin rubbed red by her own hands. Strangely, the showerhead above the bathtub showed no signs of use, and Lin Yi wasn't collapsed by the tub. Instead, she was kneeling and slumped over the sink, her wrists held under the running water. The floor was soaked with a mixture of pooled water and blood. Her mother said that Lin Yi always took a long time to shower, usually a full hour. That night, she was busy with the child and didn't notice what Lin Yi was doing. By the time she realized, it was too late."

"Combining this with what you saw today, I've reconstructed the scene in the bathroom that night. Lin Yi must have gone in to shower, and after taking off her clothes, she saw herself in the mirror. The humiliating experiences she had in bed with Zhang Yucheng came to mind, and she instantly felt incredibly dirty. Seeing the bathtub, the thought of slitting her wrists emerged. She knew that was wrong, so she decided to distract herself. She turned on the sink and started washing her hands desperately, muttering things like, 'Dirty, it'll be fine once it's clean.' But soon, just washing her hands wasn't enough to completely distract her, so she started splashing water from the sink onto herself and began to scrub her body frantically."

"But even scrubbing her own body couldn't make her forget. She fell into a state of immense terror. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, she found the razor and slit her wrists."

I felt extremely distressed listening to this. I gritted my teeth and asked, "Senior, I remember her mother telling me she slit her wrists in the bathtub, that it was full of blood. Is your speculation reliable?"

"Her mother was in extreme shock at the time. Her daughter was sent to the hospital, and she herself fell seriously ill. It's not strange for her memory to have discrepancies. Furthermore, when she described it to you, she probably wasn't very precise. Perhaps she just said 'slit wrists' and 'a lot of blood,' and your mind filled in the rest, imagining Lin Yi in the bathtub. After all, slitting one's wrists by a sink is rare, but doing it by a bathtub is very common. Otherwise, it's impossible to explain why Lin Yi, who was just taking a shower, would suddenly attempt suicide. Even for someone with a severe mental illness, there are always warning signs before an attempt."

"In short, any compulsive behavior related to her suicidal ideation is very dangerous. This is more dangerous than the channel-flipping from before. Stopping the channel-flipping is easy, but this type of compulsion is difficult to stop."

"Why?" The sound of running water was still audible in the background. I was agitated and extremely anxious; my brain had given up on thinking.

My senior calmly explained, "Think about it. When you interrupted her channel-flipping, what was her next move? It was to go menacingly into the kitchen to grab a knife. What does this show? That her channel-flipping was actually suppressing her impulse to grab a knife and attack someone. She has wanted to kill her own daughter more than once, and perhaps Zhang Yucheng as well. This is an act of harming others. It's not difficult to stop; you can intervene as soon as you see the signs, and her senses will return quickly."

"But her suicidal thoughts are very difficult to stop. Her suicidal ideation is much stronger and more deeply rooted than her impulse to harm others. Once it emerges, it will linger for a long time. During this period, it's very difficult for her to break the thought process on her own. When the compulsion runs its course, the end result is trying to kill herself by any means necessary. During this time, you must watch her every moment, stick to her, and not let her hands touch any dangerous objects that could threaten her life. If you absolutely have to, tying her to a chair can also get her through it. But try to be as gentle as possible. Don't hurt her, or she'll be left with new trauma."

"Okay, I understand." I hung up the phone in a hurry.

I had just put my phone back on the coffee table when I saw her walk out of the bathroom, her hands dripping. She hadn't turned off the faucet. She looked completely lost, still muttering, "It won't come clean, what do I do, it won't come clean, so dirty, so dirty…"

This is bad, I thought, and hurried toward her. My first instinct was to grab and restrain her, but then I had a sudden idea. I went into the bathroom and turned off the faucet first. Then I immediately peeked back out and saw that she was, as expected, standing frozen in place, seemingly searching for the sound of the water that had disappeared. I quietly approached her and tried calling her name.

"Lin Yi?"

Her shoulders flinched as if she'd been startled. Then she suddenly began to tremble all over and cry uncontrollably, tears streaming down like rain. As she cried, she sank to the floor in an aggrieved squat, hugging her knees and curling herself into a ball. Her thin figure looked especially wretched. I was at a complete loss. Why had she suddenly started crying? Didn't my senior say she would try to kill herself? So why was she crying so heartbreakingly now? Was it because I turned off the faucet?

But she was crying so pitifully, my heart felt like it was being twisted by a knife. I couldn't help but squat down and pull her into my arms, whispering words of comfort sadly in her ear.

"Don't cry, it's okay. I'll be with you. I'm always by your side… There, there… don't cry anymore…"

After a long time, her crying subsided into sobs, and she began to say something intermittently. I listened carefully for a moment before I understood what she was saying.

"Don't hold me… I'm so dirty…"

"Silly woman…"

I could no longer hold back my tears, and they fell.

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