Emergence - Chapter 17

Chapter 17

She was in her room packing, her movements unhurried and methodical. One by one, she placed each piece of clothing into the suitcase, neat to the point of being neurotic. I stood silently outside her room, watching her. She acted as if I didn't exist, her hands moving relentlessly. Every time she folded an item and placed it in the suitcase, my heart ached as if it were being lashed. In the end, I couldn't bear to watch anymore. I turned and walked out of the apartment.

The air in the apartment felt suffocatingly still, and I couldn't stay. I had to go out for some air, to draw in a little oxygen to keep myself, a person who had just drowned, alive. I turned from the elevator landing, went into the stairwell, and sat on the steps. I took out a cigarette and a lighter and smoked in silence. Soon, the stairwell was filled with the smell of smoke. Through the swirling haze, I quietly gazed at the night outside the stairwell window, my eyes filled with desolation.

I hadn't touched a cigarette in two months. Because she had moved into my home, and she didn't like the smell of smoke. Later, with the child living with us, it was even more out of the question, so I quit. And now, I was picking up this bad habit again, also because of her.

Footsteps sounded behind me, and someone sat down beside me. Her gentle voice was very pleasant, soft, with a hint of composure.

"Not going to offer me one?"

I handed her the pack and the lighter. She lit a cigarette skillfully and joined me in puffing out clouds of smoke.

"Didn't you leave? Why did you come up here? It's so late, aren't you going home?" I asked her, listlessly.

"You haven't gone back either, have you?" She propped her head on her hand, tilted her head to look at me, and smiled.

I gave a bitter laugh and ignored her, taking a harsh drag of smoke, pulling it into my lungs to burn my heart.

"Gu Fan, have you ever thought about pulling yourself out of this?" she suddenly asked me.

"Isn't it a little late to be asking me that now?" I replied.

"I'm a psychiatrist. When I'm dealing with others, I rarely project my own emotions or thoughts onto them, or force my views on them. So, I would never persuade you to do something just because I think it's right. Everything has been your own choice. I respect your choices, and I'll calmly face the consequences those choices bring you. This current situation is something we anticipated from the beginning. I just want to know, what are you really thinking right now?" The smile in her voice gradually faded, becoming serious.

"What am I thinking… Heh… Hehehe…" I just felt like laughing, a bitter, pained laugh. "I feel like a fucking idiot."

"Gu Fan…" she sighed.

"Senior…" I took a deep breath. My nose started to itch, and I sniffled hard. Then I said, "It's just so hard… I'm not someone who can stay detached. I was in deep from the very beginning. I'm not a cold doctor who can separate herself from her emotions. I'm just a silly fool, thinking only about using all the warmth in my heart to thaw a frozen one. But Senior, you tell me… why can't I… why can't I warm it up…"

Tears welled in my eyes. A stinging sensation in my nose rushed to my head. My nose started to run, and I sniffled hard again. With a blink, the tears slid down my cheeks.

I felt my senior's arm wrap around my shoulders, warm and firm. She didn't say anything.

"Was it not good enough? Was I not gentle enough, not caring enough? Couldn't I move her, couldn't I make her spare me even a single glance? She leaves just like that, what does she take me for? I'm not some servant she can summon and dismiss at will, not a tool to be tossed aside after use. I have a heart, can't she see it? Do I have to cut it out and show her? Is this thing beating inside me a toy?" The more I spoke, the more upset I became, tears and snot streaming down my face, unable to control myself.

"Gu Fan… Gu Fan, you're so good to her, how could she not know? If she won't accept it, then let's not pour our hearts out like this anymore, okay?" My senior didn't seem to mind my state, reaching out to wipe away my tears and snot.

I just shook my head, unable to speak.

"Gu Fan, promise me. After you help her with the lawsuit, you'll pull away, okay? I don't want you to get close to her again. I don't want to see you get hurt. Leave her to me. I'll take responsibility for her treatment. Don't see her again, okay?"

No matter how sad I was, I had never thought of giving up on her. Even now, covered in wounds, I didn't have the slightest inclination. I disagreed with my senior's words almost as a reflex, but I didn't know why I still had to lower myself like this, almost to the point of debasement. I had no reason. Perhaps for something like this, no reason is needed.

My senior knew me, so she continued:

"Gu Fan, I reminded you a long time ago. You have to love with dignity. You need to establish a relationship of equals between you two. You can't be subservient, you can't compromise yourself just to please her. When it's time to let go, you have to let go. Being shamelessly persistent is ugly, you know?" Her words made me not know whether to laugh or cry, but she wasn't smiling. She tightened her arm around me and continued:

"I admit I was wrong. She's straight. She can't fall in love with you. So don't cling to her anymore. A melon plucked before it's ripe isn't sweet. Who are you, Gu Fan? You're a top law student, a great lawyer, a psychology expert, an elite. You're beautiful, dashing, charming, talented, and have a refined air. You're so gentle and devoted, practically a heartthrob. Why are you wronging yourself like this? There's a whole line of good girls waiting for you. You shouldn't be trapped in place by Lin Yi like this. Try letting go. Maybe it'll be easier for both of you."

"Am I really that great? How come I've never heard you praise me like this before?" I said with a thick, nasal voice, pretending to pull away from her arm, mocking her.

"Hah, that's just because you're still a tiny bit inferior to me. I don't usually say these things, lest people call me narcissistic."

"Your skin is thicker than the corner of a city wall!" I was so angry my teeth itched, and I glared at her fiercely.

"For you, this young lady will make a sacrifice and admit I'm thick-skinned. So, will you promise me or not?"

"…"

"Promise me or not?" she started to whine and pester.

"…"

"Dr. Gu, Lawyer Gu, Beauty Gu, Handsome Gu, hmm?" She started batting her big eyes at me, shamelessly trying to act cute.

My feelings at that moment were extremely complex. I wanted to laugh but felt sad, wanted to be angry but felt powerless, wanted to keep fighting but truly felt it wasn't worth it. I was overcome by waves of exhaustion. Finally, I let out a deep sigh and said:

"Fine. I promise you. After I help her with the lawsuit, I won't see her again."

"Then, tomorrow… ah, it's already today. I'll wait a bit longer. When it's completely light out, I'll come get her and take her home. She's already packed her bags anyway."

I closed my eyes in silence.

---

That night, my senior and I sat on the stairs all night. I smoked two more cigarettes before she confiscated them and forbade me from having any more. She talked with me a lot, about all sorts of things, from the past to the present. I told her some old stories about Lin Yi and me, and she listened intently. I thought back to our green high school years, when Lin Yi and I were still such simple kids, without all these vexing problems, without this tangled, painful mess. We were just ourselves. I liked her so simply, and she, just as simply, doted on me like a little sister, intentionally or not avoiding my feelings.

When did it happen? When did this insurmountable distance of a thousand mountains and ten thousand rivers appear between us? I chased her shadow so hard, but she always remained just out of reach, and in the end, she vanished heartlessly like smoke. I never believed in fate, but in just two or three short months, I felt the cruel crushing of its wheels. Why did heaven let us meet again? Was it just to torture us both, only to have us part ways, covered in scars?

I couldn't accept it, but even so, I was exhausted. Layer after layer of hurt, dripping with blood, she inflicted upon me so heartlessly. I understood many things. I knew that having her move out of my place now was actually for the best for both of us. She was about to go to court with Zhang Yucheng for the divorce. If she were cohabiting with her defense lawyer, and the other side labeled her as having an "unusual relationship" with a female lawyer—homosexuality plus an affair during the marriage—it would inevitably affect the court's judgment. Even if they had no concrete evidence to prove we were a couple, it was best to avoid such situations if possible.

However, I knew that wasn't the only reason she wanted to move out. The main reason was that she now understood why I had approached her. I was a psychologist. Everything I did for her was for her treatment. But she didn't know that. She just thought I was helping her as a friend, mixed in with some old feelings that were hard to let go of. So she was always grateful to me, but her feelings were complex and unsettled. Now that she understood my other identity, she felt the anger of being deceived. She hated deception more than anything, so she couldn't forgive me.

So be it. Just as my senior said, don't be subservient, don't beg. You can't beg for love. A person can't lose their dignity. Letting go is better for both of us. Maybe I, too, can climb out of these drowning waters and back onto the shore.

But why did my heart ache so fiercely, so much that it was hard to breathe?

Dawn broke. My senior left my side. I knew she was going to find Lin Yi. I sat silently on the stairs, not going to see her one last time. Fifteen minutes later, a text message arrived on my phone. It was from my senior. The message was brief, just two words: "On our way."

I stood up. After sitting for so long, my circulation was poor. As soon as I stood, my vision went black. I quickly braced myself against the wall, waiting a long while before I gradually felt normal again. I walked back to my apartment with stiff steps, opened the door, changed my shoes, and then stood dazedly in the living room. A faint, sweet scent lingered in the air—her scent. I suddenly quickened my pace and rushed into her room. The empty bed, the closet now bare of clothes… I slowly slid down the wall to the floor, crying silently.

She was really gone…

---

In the week after she left, life was utterly dull. Every day, I could only find a mountain of work to do: researching, preparing evidence, devising strategies, collecting case studies. I threw all my energy into this divorce case. I thought, this will be the first lawsuit of my life, and also the last. I will do everything in my power to see it through—for her, for myself, for us.

She didn't refuse me as her defense lawyer. I took this as the last bit of affection she had for me. And according to my senior, she hadn't been wallowing in despair these past few days, nor had she relapsed. On the contrary, she was actively cooperating with her treatment, and her condition was improving at an astonishing rate. My two months of guidance had not been in vain. She was also very smart and understood what she needed to do most right now. The better her recovery, the more the scales of victory in the lawsuit would tip in her favor.

Yet, from beginning to end, she never mentioned me again, nor did she show the slightest bit of attachment. Even if my senior hadn't said it, I would have known. She didn't care if I was sad; she was just focused on winning this case. I could only treat this lawsuit as our last battle together, side by side. The only thing I could do for her was to help her win, to help her wash away the shame in her life. After that, I would let go, let her leave, and cut away this painful love.

The most difficult Spring Festival of my life finally passed. On March 1st, I went to the courthouse to file the case. Because I submitted the complaint first, Lin Yi was the plaintiff and Zhang Yucheng was the defendant. On March 7th, the court issued a notice for mediation. The result was predictable: mediation failed. We waited for the court to issue a summons for the hearing. On March 11th, the summons arrived, setting the trial date for April 3rd.

Finally, a long, difficult, and almost unprecedented divorce case had begun.

Previous Table of Contents Next