Emergence - Chapter 13

Chapter 13

In the blink of an eye, the year was drawing to a close and Christmas was approaching. Lin Yi had been at my place for a full month. Although we had gone out together recently, which seemed to bring us closer, she reverted to her usual state that evening after we got home. She no longer cleaned obsessively and often sat like a wooden doll, lost in a daze. I knew that curing her deep-seated pain would take a long time and that I could only guide her treatment slowly. But the emotional fluctuations of the past few days weren't without effect; at least she was talking a little more, and my words to her weren't always met with silence.

However, she always seemed to be avoiding me. The moment I got close, she would shrink back nervously. Every time it happened, I would be left frozen in place, a mix of feelings churning inside me. I knew perfectly well she wouldn't fall for me so easily, yet I was still full of hope. And after hope, naturally, came disappointment, again and again.

In the two weeks following our trip to the supermarket, life passed quietly like flowing water. The festive atmosphere outside grew stronger. After Christmas would come New Year's Day, and after that, preparations for the Lunar New Year would begin. The 2015 Spring Festival was late, in the latter half of February. But I had to start planning early. I had promised my family I would go home for the New Year, but Lin Yi was an unexpected factor. I didn't know what she would do during the days I was away.

Of course, the right thing to do was to send her home to reunite with her family. But her father was now living at home, and the child was there too. In her current state, her condition would inevitably relapse if she went home. If she had an episode, her father's side would find out.

The main difficulty with her going home was the child. Her feelings for the child were incredibly complex. There was a maternal love she couldn't let go of, but every time she saw the child, she would inevitably be reminded of her painful past. She had only been away from her child for a month, far too soon to introduce the child into her treatment. The thought of it had me tearing my hair out these past few days; I felt like I was losing a lot of it.

On December 23rd, I managed to meet with my senior to discuss the arrangements for the New Year period.

I had to go home for the New Year this year. There was a lot I needed to make clear to my family. First, to officially confirm their attitude towards my sexual orientation. Second, it would be best to mention my situation with Lin Yi to them, to give them a heads-up. Of course, I didn't need to bring up Lin Yi's traumatic past; I just had to tell them I had someone I loved now and that I would bring her home to meet them once our relationship was more stable. By the time Lin Yi's condition had completely improved, the timing should be about right. The intensive treatment plan my senior had drawn up was for seven to eight months. If everything went smoothly without any major setbacks, Lin Yi's illness could be cured by around June next year. If the treatment was particularly effective, she might even recover earlier. By then, it would probably be time to move forward with our relationship.

My senior laughed at me, saying nothing was certain yet, and here I was, planning so far ahead. I gave a bitter smile. It was true. How could I be so sure Lin Yi would want to be with me? She was still avoiding me, yet here I was, considering a future with her.

But no matter what, my senior was willing to support me. She comforted me, saying that people have hearts, that Lin Yi couldn't be oblivious to my efforts. She was a kind girl and would surely be grateful. Although love isn't the same as gratitude, as long as I could find a way into her heart, it wasn't impossible.

"Besides, I have a feeling that she sees you as more than just a benefactor," my senior said.

I just smiled bitterly, shaking my head.

"Senior, don't try to comfort me. She's such a straight woman, and she despises homosexuality so much. How difficult would it be for her to fall for me? I'd be content if she's just grateful. Even if she's only with me out of gratitude, I wouldn't have any complaints."

My senior frowned. "Gu Fan, how can you think like that? You need to understand that a long-term marital relationship is sustained by emotion and responsibility, while a romantic relationship is sustained solely by love. When love fades between partners, they break up. When love fades between a married couple, they don't necessarily divorce. For you and Lin Yi to maintain a long-term relationship, you need both love and responsibility. Without either, it won't work out well and can easily fall apart. Especially given your unequal situation-you love her, you've given so much for her, you're willing to bear anything and tolerate anything for her. But if she doesn't feel that same level of responsibility and affection for you, being with you for a long time will easily become a burden to her. The longer it goes on, the greater the burden, and she'll get tired. Once her heart is tired, your breakup won't be far off."

"Senior, do you have to be so discouraging?" I was on the verge of tears.

"I'm not discouraging you, I'm reminding you. You absolutely cannot have such naive thoughts. Regardless of whether she'll fall for you in the future, even if she does, you have to be careful to maintain your relationship. Don't give her your entire heart and soul. It's frightening for me to even watch. If she dumps you, you'll be hurt far too deeply."

"Then what should I do? I just love her that much. I want to give her my heart and soul. I can't control myself."

"Sigh…" My senior seemed exasperated with me. After a moment's thought, she said, "I know your feelings run deep. I'm not telling you to control your feelings, I'm telling you to try to control your actions. Keep your feelings in your heart, but be restrained in your behavior. A slow and steady approach is the key to longevity. You need to build a healthy and good partnership with her. What is a healthy and good partnership? First, it's built on a foundation of mutual equality and respect. Don't interfere too much in her life, don't always be clingy, don't always make decisions for her. Discuss everything together. When she's not giving you much in return, don't give too much either. Do you understand what I mean?"

I could only nod silently. My senior made it sound easy, but it was far from simple to put into practice. When you're deep in love, you're not in control of yourself. How could it be controlled? If there really were people who could control themselves like that, how powerful their rationality must be. And if you had to be so calculating in loving someone, what was the point? Perhaps I was much more emotional than my senior. Although I agreed with her ideas, I didn't think I could actually execute them.

"Don't lose heart. It's really not impossible for you two," my senior said, likely noticing my crestfallen expression and feeling she had been too harsh, she offered some comfort.

"Why do you think so?" I was curious as to why my senior thought Lin Yi actually had feelings for me.

"If you want me to give you a concrete reason, I can't really. It's just a feeling. I think Lin Yi might have had feelings for you for a long time, she just never paid attention to them. Otherwise, she wouldn't trust you so much, enough to be willing to move into your home."

"Really?" My heart leaped with joy, and my eyes lit up as I looked at my senior.

"Uh… but… it's not certain…" My senior's meticulous nature kicked in again, and she stammered, refusing to give me a straight answer. Can't you just comfort me for a bit? She was really getting on my nerves today. I decided I wasn't going to talk to her for the next few days.

Seeing my sullen expression, my senior gave a sheepish smile and changed the subject. "Alright, in any case, where there's a will, there's a way. Just don't lose heart. For the few days you're back for the New Year, just let Lin Yi stay at her own home. As for the child issue, while it's a bit early, it's not a huge problem. After New Year's Day, bring the child to your place and let Lin Yi spend some time with her. By the time the Spring Festival comes, there shouldn't be any major issues."

"What? Bring the child to my place after New Year's? Isn't that a bit rushed?" I was surprised by my senior's plan.

"According to my original plan, the child would be introduced two months from now. But your performance this month has been amazing, completely exceeding my expectations. I originally thought you, you coward, wouldn't be so bold as to provoke Lin Yi. But your several attempts at testing and provoking her were very well-handled. Her treatment progress has been unexpectedly good; she's already reached the recovery level originally planned for two months. At this point, your interactions with her have hit a plateau and can't push her any further. It's about time to bring the child in."

"Who's a coward?" I grumbled. Was she praising me or putting me down?

My senior smiled, ignoring my muttering, and continued, "Doctor Gu, I've set up a new bank card for you. This month's salary has already been deposited. Be sure to check it." With that, she pushed a bank card across the table to me.

I huffed but didn't stand on ceremony and took it.

December 24th, Christmas Eve. I had originally planned to take Lin Yi out for a walk that night, but she happened to have a bit of a cold, so I gave up the idea to prevent her from catching a chill in the wind.

December 25th, I went out alone, spent half the day at the mall, and picked out a gift. But when I got home, I didn't give it to Lin Yi after all, instead stashing it in my bedside table.

December 31st, New Year's Eve, was a night of terror. There was a stampede on the Bund. I was quite shaken afterward, because I had been planning to take a recovering Lin Yi to see the Bund. Thankfully, Lin Yi had refused me. It was the first time I felt grateful for her rejecting me.

On January 3rd, 2015, my home welcomed a new little guest-Lin Wangyou. The moment the five-month-old little one saw me, she broke into a smile, stretching out her two chubby hands, desperately trying to reach me from her grandmother's arms. I was overjoyed, my eyes curving into crescents as I took the little one into my arms. This little thing must have been drinking formula this month; she'd put on quite a bit of weight and felt heavy in my arms.

Just as I brought the little one in, Lin Yi happened to be sitting on the living room sofa and saw the child immediately. The child saw her mother too, her big, dark eyes staring at Lin Yi, as if trying to figure out who she was.

Having not seen each other for over a month, the mother and daughter, who were never very close to begin with, had become complete strangers. I was afraid Lin Yi would have an episode, or that the little one would start to fuss, so I quickly prepared to take the child into the inner room. But to my and Lin Yi's mother's surprise, who had just come in, the little one, resting on my shoulder, let out a muffled syllable:

"Mua!"

I froze, turning my head to look at the child. What did she just say?

"Mua… mua, mua!"

The child continued to make this sound intermittently. It sounded like the onomatopoeia for a kiss, but the three adults present all understood: the child was calling for her mother.

A five-month-old baby can't talk yet, at most making simple sounds. But they do start to get interested in speaking. The first sound with actual meaning that a child typically makes is, in fact, the "ma" sound, representing mother. Some studies suggest that this is actually a signal for food during the nursing period, and across all cultures and languages, the pronunciation for "mama" is quite similar (specifically in baby talk).

As the little one made this sound, both Lin Yi's mother and I couldn't help but look at Lin Yi's reaction. Her gaze was already fixed on the child, and at the sound, her body began to tremble, a layer of mist forming in her eyes.

The little one leaned against my shoulder, her two chubby hands reaching towards her mother, still making that sound, becoming more and more agitated.

I was afraid that if the little one started crying, it would provoke Lin Yi even more, so I had to carry the child closer to Lin Yi. I squatted down in front of her, letting the little one sit on my lap.

"Lin Yi, it's Youyou. She misses you so much. Hold her," I said softly.

Lin Yi's long, thick eyelashes trembled. After a long hesitation, she finally, slowly, reached out her hands. I quickly passed the child into her arms. After taking the child, she stared at the baby's dazed face, her own expression blank. Her eyelashes veiled the emotion in her eyes, making it hard for me to tell whether she welcomed this child or not.

The child seemed to sense her mother's presence and quieted down a lot, her little hands clutching Lin Yi's clothes, looking content. Her little head subconsciously tried to burrow into Lin Yi's chest. I didn't understand at first, but a few seconds later, I realized the little one wanted to nurse. After all, she had only been weaned for a month and wasn't used to a bottle yet.

My face grew warm. I wondered if Lin Yi still had any milk. Was she going to breastfeed right here?

But Lin Yi seemed to grow impatient. She suddenly shoved the child back at me and turned away, refusing to look at her anymore. The child, suddenly pushed away by her mother, felt wronged. Her lip quivered, and she immediately burst into tears.

I quickly stood up, holding the child and heading for the inner room, patting her back and comforting her, while keeping an eye on the other room. Lin Yi sat with her back to us, motionless and indifferent. Lin Yi's mother stood by, secretly wiping away tears.

Sigh… It seemed Lin Yi was still completely unprepared to accept this child.

My head started to ache again.

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