Emergence - Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I can't say for sure when I started to love her.

Nor can I describe how much I love her now.

I never thought I would one day love someone so deeply.

Love a woman.

I was once a staunch heterosexual.

I looked down on gay people with contempt.

And yet my entire life would be inescapably tied to this particular group.

I was deceived.

Toyed with.

Persecuted.

And I could only swallow my anger, lacking even the courage to escape.

There was a time when I hated gay people.

Hated them enough to want to take a knife and kill every one of these deviants in the world.

But that was just a fantasy in my mind. I grieved for my own cowardice.

In the end, I chose to end my own life.

But I did not succeed.

Because she arrived.

She was like a light, dispelling the thick, heavy darkness that enveloped me.

I love her.

I love the gentleness when she holds me.

I love the sound of her voice when she sings me to sleep.

I love how she dotes on me as if I were a child.

I love the unwavering resolve when she said, "Walk with me."

I love her downcast eyes when she is occasionally vulnerable.

I love the cigarette between her fingers when she is in pain and heartbroken.

I love everything about her.

I love her, but I never thought I would love her like this.

I suppose this is my destiny.

I was once a fragile caterpillar.

Timid, delicate, and covered in thorns.

There was too much suffering in this world for me to bear.

So I spun silk, thread by thread, and bound myself tightly within.

I thought I would sink into oblivion just like that.

But I never expected that my transformation would begin at that very moment.

She was the unseen force of life.

She pushed me to struggle through hardship, to break free from suffering.

She gave me a pair of wings, beautiful and strong.

She led me to shatter my shackles, to break open that thick, dusty cocoon.

Transform into a butterfly! Spread my wings! Soar high!

I love her more than my own life.

I never thought I would love her so much.

But so what? This is life.

—Lin Yi 2015.6.28

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